grapevine fires.

I'm frustrated.

In a nutshell, there's a guy. He is one of my best friends and I love him dearly. But recently we figured out we've had feelings for each other and we got together. And then we ended it. Then we got back together. Ended it. Got back together. Ended it. That's where I'm at right now. It's not anger that keeps ending it, but conflict of emotions, the idea of right and wrong, what his parents want, my leaving for college, etc. I understand all of the reasons why not. I really do. The part I'm having a hard time with is the emotional whiplash I've been going through. No joke, there is not one guy who treats me as good as he does, who says what he does, let alone means them. His concerns are genuine and I can't get mad at him for that. I just hate feeling so incredibly happy and content just to have the rug pulled out from underneath me about every two days.

Sometimes in my frustration, I feel used. Either I'm listening to him or compromising on what I want for what he wants. Then if I think about what I compromised, it's a better decision than one I would have made on my own. He is definitely more spiritual than I am. I think that's natural though, because all pre-mission guys are terrified of distractions, especially relationships, no matter if it is three months or two years away like him. The worst part is that I am the distraction. For that I feel awful. Were he older, things would be different. And how I wish they could be.

Then again, I think what I want makes me selfish.

oye...

The last couple of months, actually, the last year has been rough between my mom and I. We haven't been getting along near as much as we used to in the past. There is some kind of rift that has wedged itself between us. It's source is unknown, but several theories exist. Personally, I am going a bit crazy inside and I lash out most easily at my parents. My parents, at the same time, are going through their own stresses and therefore we are toxic to each other. Don't get the wrong idea -- I love my parents so incredibly much and have so much gratitude for everything they give me. But we have been butting heads a lot lately.

About a week and a half ago, after a bad 48 hours of constant bickering/arguing, my mom approached me and calmly reconciled our spat. She said that maybe it was time for me to get out of here and be on my own. It was then that she told me she spoke with Brooke and the idea of me moving to Florida to live with her came about. I would love that more than anything. I spoke to my dad about it a couple days later and now I have the full support of both my parents. The only thing holding me back is the question of where I will find money for school. I've applied to Santa Fe College in Gainesville, but they don't seem to have many scholarships. There's some digging that needs to be done if I'm going to make it happen. And I'm going to make it happen.

I guess when I sit down and type my guts out, I feel better. I do now, despite the fact that my mom and I, yet again, began to argue when I came home from work. I love her, I really do. But for crying out loud, we need some time apart so we can miss each other. Really.

catching up

I went to Boston last week with choir. Man, that was a blast. We performed in the Heritage Festival. It wasn't a competition against other schools so much as it was to get ranked and critiqued by judges. Amphion received, to our surprise, a silver plaque, as did Ascende. I'm pretty sure everyone in Amphion felt our performance merited gold, but eh. What can you do?

To be honest, the performing was not what made the trip for me anyways. I got to hang out in one of the most historic cities in the country, walk around, and laugh my head off with some of the funniest people I know. I took tons of photos during our four day trip, so I was a happy clam. It was a phenomenal trip, from the beautiful city to the endless inside jokes.

I decided today that I'm getting off of caffeine and soda in general. I'm not a soda fiend, but I drink it too often and not enough water. Plus, I've heard enough about the negative side affects of diet soda that I'm just like, "Hmm...maybe there's something to it." So, we'll see how it goes.

Graduation countdown -- 32 days, 23 school days.