It is such an indescribable feeling to be at this place, this "in-between" of what was, and what will be. I have had such excitement for this time in my life. Taking things down and putting them into cardboard boxes never felt so good. I look to the corner of my room and see several medium boxes, a longboard, guitar, microwave, printer, sheets -- all signs of a new life. And then these bare walls. The thing about the naked walls is that it was almost cathartic to be able to gradually break away from home as I took down each poster, one by one. And on Thursday, I will be putting myself back together with such enthusiasm, I won't be able to contain myself. I cannot WAIT for it to be Thursday.
OH -- good news, friends! My amazing best friend, Chels, went back up to NAU today and did a little scouting for me to see what my room situation is to be. I am with an RA (Resident Assistant) in our hall, named Julie. Chels says she's way chill & sweet and we will definitely be compatible. I can't wait to meet her. (: Anddd, I'm just 20 feet down the hall from Chels. I am a happy girl.
Countdown is t-minus 15 hours to departure.
Bye, QC. <3
8.24.2010
8.13.2010
Believing
It is a long and hard road to travel. The last week and a half has been one of much spiritual growth. My dad gave me a book to read, Stephen Robinson's Believing Christ. To be truly honest, I have a hard time reading literature of a spiritual nature because a person's spirituality is individual and, beyond that, personal. Essentially, I find some of the literature to be "hokey" or not relatable because I am too distracted by the fact that someone else is telling me about the nature of God & my religion. It turns me off; I don't like being told how it is. I feel like my testimony is constantly evolving. It regresses and progresses because it is a part of our soul and spirit, both of which I believe to be living things. All that aside, I approached this book differently. And what I got from it was worth more than the time it took to read.
My heart was hurting and weak from my lackadaisical approach to my spirituality for at least the last year. I was looking for something to bring me comfort and understanding to counter the weight of my burdens I had inflicted upon myself. What I found was greater than that. I found hope and a renewed understanding of the Atonement and of my Savior. There has been a tremendous change in my heart already because of the hope that this book showed to me. I know it sounds strange to ramble on about my spirituality, I get it. Spirituality is, like I said, personal. That's why I will keep this short. But for those of you whom I am close to, who have been looking out for me for the last little while, know that I am feeling better. So much better. But I still have a long way to go; this journey is only just beginning.
My heart was hurting and weak from my lackadaisical approach to my spirituality for at least the last year. I was looking for something to bring me comfort and understanding to counter the weight of my burdens I had inflicted upon myself. What I found was greater than that. I found hope and a renewed understanding of the Atonement and of my Savior. There has been a tremendous change in my heart already because of the hope that this book showed to me. I know it sounds strange to ramble on about my spirituality, I get it. Spirituality is, like I said, personal. That's why I will keep this short. But for those of you whom I am close to, who have been looking out for me for the last little while, know that I am feeling better. So much better. But I still have a long way to go; this journey is only just beginning.
8.01.2010
I finally reached out. I nearly fell off the cliff, but I was pulled back.
It started here:
A month ago, I was Facebook friend requested by a guy. Since orientation was the week before, I thought he was someone I met there. I messaged him and asked "so...did I meet you at orientation or how do I know you?" Turns out he was browsing the NAU Class of '14 (incoming freshman), saw I was a music major, became interested, & added me. Flattering, cute. I liked where this was going. We continued to talk daily via facebook messages, good convo albeit there was definitely flirting. After about two and a half weeks, we exchanged numbers & began texting. Our conversations were consistent daily, just chatting away about whatever. I felt like I found a new friend & potentially someone to look forward to getting to know better (catch my drift?) He was super adorable, said cute things, called me "hun", etc. There were several instances where he implied that he was interested in me. I made plans to meet him before school so we could get to know each other. That day would be tomorrow.
This morning I received a text message from him on some second thoughts he was having about me coming down to Tucson. Something about his family, a weird situation going on in the neighborhood, and "some other things, too". Simultaneously I became both sickened & upset. This isn't it. Something's up. What did I do? After a couple straightforward & honest text messages on my end to get to the point, he told me that he didn't think we had more in common than NAU & music and that he was interested in someone else. He apologized "if he led me on". I told him that he definitely did, that I was hurt, and was sad things ended this way.
I was so upset. Upset isn't even the word for it. I felt at such a loss for having invested myself ridiculously too much, for getting my hopes up at all, for the last month. Seriously, I have never stared at my phone so much just waiting for the stupid little blue light text notification. And even though I knew I was being desperate, I wasn't doing anything to change it. What I didn't realize was that my mom saw another yellow flag go up in my life and it was time to talk.
My mom asked me if she could talk to me earlier this evening. She knew about Michael & our plans & I told her what happened that morning. We sat down on the front lawn. I was determined to listen, not to get upset and find things to get offended about like I have for every conversation between one or both of my parents for the last year. I just sat and listened. My mom told me every thought in her head about where she felt I was going and how I haven't been respecting myself. Mind you, she said these things with as much love & as delicately as she could have. She told me that I was exuding this sort of Alex that was essentially beneath my real self, this new Alex that said, "I'm willing to compromise for less than what I'm worth" sort of idea. She was totally, 100% right. I cried. I've felt like I am an absolute mess for the the last year. I haven't felt myself standing on a firm foundation or had anything that truly grounds me. In lacking this necessary foundation, I've become lax and uncaring towards myself. At the same time, part of me thought I'm not a bad person. I don't do bad things. I go to church every week. I pray. I'm a good person. But that's not it. It takes much more than that. I've just been going through the motions. I haven't had my foundation planted where it should be.
When I thought I was done, both of my parents asked to talk to me a couple hours later. My dad did most of the talking this time. I love my dad, but I feel so incredibly vulnerable when he talks to me about serious issues. I know it makes him uncomfortable, too. Communication is not my dad's strong point in that he doesn't communicate until it is necessary. That's exactly what was up. Intervention was necessary for me. Dad said that he feels like I am at a crossroads and that I really truly could go either way and not care. He likened me to the wise man and the foolish man, a parable that I learned in song since I was little in church. The wise man build his house upon the rock, the foolish man built his house upon the sand. When the rains and floods came, the house upon the rock stood still while the house upon the sand washed away. My house is built upon sand right now. My dad told me that he has been reading, researching, and praying about what to do about me. He feels very strongly that I should stay at home and either attend ASU or Chandler-Gilbert while I do some much needed repair on my spirit. No NAU? I can't just 'not go'. I have a scholarship. I want to be on my own. I want to be up there. Not here. I didn't know what to say so I just cried. I told them I want to go to NAU, that I have every intention of going to Institute and church, of being active & responsible. But even I knew when I said that, that wasn't enough. That wasn't the point. My testimony isn't strong. More importantly, the foundation that I am so desperately lacking is the Savior. I haven't been relying on Him for anything. As much as I have seen the differences that the Savior makes in the lives of other people, especially my parents, I don't know what part of me leads me to neglect the promise of love, forgiveness, peace, happiness, & strength that is there.
I know what I want. What I want, truly want more than anything, is a solid foundation in my life. I need to build my house upon the rock, and that rock is the Savior. I know it is. I've always had that answer in front of me, but never needed it more in my life than now. I've been raised with truth in my life, this same truth is engrained at my very core of myself. No matter the nose piercings, the occassional swearing, whatever I do, I know there is more for me and it does not lie in the things of the world. It really is hard & difficult to come to terms with this, but my spiritual well-being is so much more important than my temporal well-being. My future is not in my hands any more; it is in the Lord's. If I manage to find enough strength in the next three weeks to provide myself a foundation to move forward on, then NAU, here I come. If not, then it isn't time yet. But I am determined and resolved to get better. I am so grateful that my parents caught me before I fell and hit rock bottom. It has been a long and very difficult relationship this last year, but they do love me. For the first time, I am putting my faith to the test.
It started here:
A month ago, I was Facebook friend requested by a guy. Since orientation was the week before, I thought he was someone I met there. I messaged him and asked "so...did I meet you at orientation or how do I know you?" Turns out he was browsing the NAU Class of '14 (incoming freshman), saw I was a music major, became interested, & added me. Flattering, cute. I liked where this was going. We continued to talk daily via facebook messages, good convo albeit there was definitely flirting. After about two and a half weeks, we exchanged numbers & began texting. Our conversations were consistent daily, just chatting away about whatever. I felt like I found a new friend & potentially someone to look forward to getting to know better (catch my drift?) He was super adorable, said cute things, called me "hun", etc. There were several instances where he implied that he was interested in me. I made plans to meet him before school so we could get to know each other. That day would be tomorrow.
This morning I received a text message from him on some second thoughts he was having about me coming down to Tucson. Something about his family, a weird situation going on in the neighborhood, and "some other things, too". Simultaneously I became both sickened & upset. This isn't it. Something's up. What did I do? After a couple straightforward & honest text messages on my end to get to the point, he told me that he didn't think we had more in common than NAU & music and that he was interested in someone else. He apologized "if he led me on". I told him that he definitely did, that I was hurt, and was sad things ended this way.
I was so upset. Upset isn't even the word for it. I felt at such a loss for having invested myself ridiculously too much, for getting my hopes up at all, for the last month. Seriously, I have never stared at my phone so much just waiting for the stupid little blue light text notification. And even though I knew I was being desperate, I wasn't doing anything to change it. What I didn't realize was that my mom saw another yellow flag go up in my life and it was time to talk.
My mom asked me if she could talk to me earlier this evening. She knew about Michael & our plans & I told her what happened that morning. We sat down on the front lawn. I was determined to listen, not to get upset and find things to get offended about like I have for every conversation between one or both of my parents for the last year. I just sat and listened. My mom told me every thought in her head about where she felt I was going and how I haven't been respecting myself. Mind you, she said these things with as much love & as delicately as she could have. She told me that I was exuding this sort of Alex that was essentially beneath my real self, this new Alex that said, "I'm willing to compromise for less than what I'm worth" sort of idea. She was totally, 100% right. I cried. I've felt like I am an absolute mess for the the last year. I haven't felt myself standing on a firm foundation or had anything that truly grounds me. In lacking this necessary foundation, I've become lax and uncaring towards myself. At the same time, part of me thought I'm not a bad person. I don't do bad things. I go to church every week. I pray. I'm a good person. But that's not it. It takes much more than that. I've just been going through the motions. I haven't had my foundation planted where it should be.
When I thought I was done, both of my parents asked to talk to me a couple hours later. My dad did most of the talking this time. I love my dad, but I feel so incredibly vulnerable when he talks to me about serious issues. I know it makes him uncomfortable, too. Communication is not my dad's strong point in that he doesn't communicate until it is necessary. That's exactly what was up. Intervention was necessary for me. Dad said that he feels like I am at a crossroads and that I really truly could go either way and not care. He likened me to the wise man and the foolish man, a parable that I learned in song since I was little in church. The wise man build his house upon the rock, the foolish man built his house upon the sand. When the rains and floods came, the house upon the rock stood still while the house upon the sand washed away. My house is built upon sand right now. My dad told me that he has been reading, researching, and praying about what to do about me. He feels very strongly that I should stay at home and either attend ASU or Chandler-Gilbert while I do some much needed repair on my spirit. No NAU? I can't just 'not go'. I have a scholarship. I want to be on my own. I want to be up there. Not here. I didn't know what to say so I just cried. I told them I want to go to NAU, that I have every intention of going to Institute and church, of being active & responsible. But even I knew when I said that, that wasn't enough. That wasn't the point. My testimony isn't strong. More importantly, the foundation that I am so desperately lacking is the Savior. I haven't been relying on Him for anything. As much as I have seen the differences that the Savior makes in the lives of other people, especially my parents, I don't know what part of me leads me to neglect the promise of love, forgiveness, peace, happiness, & strength that is there.
I know what I want. What I want, truly want more than anything, is a solid foundation in my life. I need to build my house upon the rock, and that rock is the Savior. I know it is. I've always had that answer in front of me, but never needed it more in my life than now. I've been raised with truth in my life, this same truth is engrained at my very core of myself. No matter the nose piercings, the occassional swearing, whatever I do, I know there is more for me and it does not lie in the things of the world. It really is hard & difficult to come to terms with this, but my spiritual well-being is so much more important than my temporal well-being. My future is not in my hands any more; it is in the Lord's. If I manage to find enough strength in the next three weeks to provide myself a foundation to move forward on, then NAU, here I come. If not, then it isn't time yet. But I am determined and resolved to get better. I am so grateful that my parents caught me before I fell and hit rock bottom. It has been a long and very difficult relationship this last year, but they do love me. For the first time, I am putting my faith to the test.
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