Trouble

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I've set you apart.
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh, let's go back to the start.

I feel so many different things right now. I don't even know where to start. I find myself dealing with more emotions on a daily basis than I ever have before. And I think about all these things I'm going to ramble about all the time. It's eating at me.

I'm worried that I am becoming selfish and self-absorbed, exhausting, irritating... all these things. I have been trying hard to be aware of my words and actions lately. I've been so blessed in my life with a loving family, the best of friends, and a beautiful place to be. Yet, I find myself taking these things for granted or being out of sorts when I am alone. I don't want to be demanding; I would much rather be the opposite, the person who gives of herself constantly, does not have expectations, and appreciates all the little things. I feel like I use my depression as an excuse for being "off" sometimes. I hate that I do that, like I'm trying to prove something or cover for being a certain way. The fact of the matter is that if people don't like who you are, having a reason (valid or not) for being that way won't change how they feel. Some people are incredibly kind and will put up with you, but that's just not something you want to take advantage of. It has taken me a while to realize this. I don't want to take advantage of people's kindness. I want there to be a balance of give and take on both ends of my relationships. I'm going to continue to try and be more emotionally independent, giving, and become a person that I would want to be friends with.

birthday
ayayayayayay!!!
19, what?!

If you happen to meet an Alex,

• she might give you a nickname that you may or may not like.
• she will trust you.
• let her take photos of you. It's just part of the process.
• talk to her. She will listen.
• listen to her. She will be honest.
• she will want to share her joy and sadness with you.
• share secrets with her. She will not judge.
• she might be a bit silly now and then. But most of the time, low-key is her thing.
• she wears her heart on her sleeve. Don't be intimidated.
• ask her about her music.
• allow her to show you vulnerability.
• know that she thinks about you because she cares.
• she will remember your birthday.
• you might see her become emotional. She is terrible at hiding.
• she will ask you way more than 20 questions about yourself.
• ask her questions. Anything.
• she will try to think of sincere things to say to you so you know you are appreciated.
• her train of thought is very random. It is probably best not to question.
• return the favor of a back massage if she gives you one.
• she will tell you exactly what she thinks.
• she will tell you she loves you and mean it.