"You asked me once what I would remember -- this and much more."

My boys. My best friends since 8th grade.
My brothers are leaving on their missions over this summer, between June and August. I went home this weekend for our friend Amy's baptism and the last reunion for all of us. Today was the last day I got to see Jackson before he leaves on his mission.

Zach, Ben, Josh, Kason, Jackson, & Dylan

Jackson & I

Kason, Dylan, & Zach

Kas & I

Jackson. I am going to miss him so much.

why I love people.

I was hired at Sally Beauty Supply during the last week of April. Since working there, I have found a love for this new job of mine and a new skill I never knew I had in sales. There are 11 Sally stores in our district and the district keeps tabs on our sales. There are three categories that they keep track of in particular, called KPIs (Key Performance Indicators): Beauty Club Cards (BCC) - a discount card we offer to our customers that saves them up to 10% on each purchase for an initial $5 fee, Items of the Month (IOMs) are discounted little items we try to add on to a sale at the register, and Extended Protection Plans (EPPs) which are extended warranties on electrical items like blow dryers, flat/curling irons, clippers, etc. For the month of June, I was #1 for BCCs and #2 for IOMs and EPPs out of all employees in the district. In all honesty, I wasn't reaching for those goals; I was just doing what I was taught to do in training and throwing in my personality. Apparently it worked in my favor and I am happy to have found something new that I am good at. Just something I wanted to share with you all. Not really what I intended to write about.

What I wanted to write about was a few memorable encounters I had last night at work.

1. I love people with personality.
Customer service is a huge component to my job, so naturally I spend most of my time on the sales floor offering assistance to customers. My first encounter was when I approached a cute, young black girl who had to be about sixteen and asked her if I could help her find anything. She said she was just shopping with her older sister and pointed to her sister who at that exact moment was browsing the hair extensions and exclaimed to herself, "These are $34.99 with my Sally's card?! GURRRLL!!!" I turned, looked at her and said, "That was, by far, the best reaction anyone has ever had in this store," and laughed. She was so freaking excited about the price and quality that she was getting and she just chatted my ear off for a good 15 minutes. I was thoroughly entertained. When she was at the check-out, my co-worker asked her if she was going out for the night or what the occasion was, to which she replied, "Gurl, I ain't nobody special. You know me. I just try to be lookin' fine. You know how it is."

2. I love people that are easy-going.
Again, I was walking the sales floor. I turned to walk down the middle aisle where the blow dryers and flat/curling irons are. When I did, I saw a guy who had to be in his mid-20s, looking overwhelmed at the selection in front of him. He made eye contact with me with a look that said I am so lost. I smiled and said, "Can I help you with something?" and he emphatically replied, "Absolutely." He told me he wanted to get his girlfriend a nice blow dryer. I smiled and commended him for being a good boyfriend and asked what price range he was working with. Under $80. I told him I could hook him up with a great one for $50. I asked him about his girlfriend's hair type and just general questions to get an idea of what would work best for her. Then he said, "Just point at it and I'll buy it." So, I scanned the dryers for a minute and found the perfect one. A $50 Ion dryer that we were having a June special on -- it came with a free mini travel flat-iron. Double win for this guy. I grabbed the dryer off the shelf, found the coupon, and the flat-iron and the guy said, "Whoa, it comes with this for free?" And I said, "Yup. This is dryer has the two basic components that any girl would want: ionic and ceramic technology, and it comes with the free flat iron. Double-whammy. You're girlfriend is going to looove you." He smiled at me and said, "Thank you so much for your help. You're a doll."

3. I love people with beautiful souls.
This last encounter was definitely the most memorable. I thought about it for the rest of my shift.
I was straightening up an aisle when a small, very pregnant Middle Eastern woman approached me with two small sons trailing behind her. She spoke in a thick accent, but her English was understandable.
Let me pause for a moment and let you know that I have an unknown affinity for people of Middle Eastern descent. I think they and their culture are beautiful and fascinating. No idea why.
So, this young mother was looking for hair products. I couldn't see her hair because it was all bundled up into the trendy little hat she was wearing. She took off her hat and had long, thick, curly hair but I could tell she was battling a lot of frizz. I immediately knew what I wanted to give her -- our newest product in the store, a Keratin straightening treatment that reduces frizz 90-100%, curl 50%, and strengthens hair. The results I've seen are legitimately awesome. I explained to her what the product was and what it did. As I was talking to her, her son interjected, "Umm, excuse me? Excuse me? Your name is Alex?" I laughed and realized my Sally tag was at his eye-level, so I figured out he had read my name. I said, "Yeah, is your name Alex, too?" He raised an eyebrow at me and said, "Nooo..." I went back to helping his mom who apologized and told me he was learning how to read and was very excited about everything. I thought both little boys were adorable.
ANYWAYS -- this woman was very interested about the Keratin treatment, so she took the shampoo and conditioner and said she would come back in a week for the treatment itself. She needed help over in the nail aisle with something and was asking me questions about a certain product when her boys got rambunctious for a moment. She called them both over and then in a soft but stern tone told her boys to behave in her native tongue. I have no idea exactly what she said, but I loved listening to her talk. She returned back to me and I asked, "If you don't mind... where are you from originally?" and she told me she was from Saudi Arabia. I told her that I thought that was really neat and that her language was lovely. She smiled and thanked me. I then asked her when her baby was due. She was three weeks away from her due date and explained that's why she was trying to get so much done beforehand. I asked if it was a boy or a girl. It was a girl, and then I asked what her name was to be.
"Sidrah," she said. For some reason, I more than loved the name. It was beautiful in her language and I just smiled and said, "That's beautiful. Congratulations." and helped her finish shopping.
At the check-out, the two little boys were drawing on paper as I rang up the items. I asked her again to repeat what her baby's name was and again, just said I thought it was so lovely. I then asked her if it meant anything in particular. She said, "It is a new name in my country. Do you know what the Qur'an is?" and I nodded. "Sidrah comes from the Qur'an. It means Tree in Heaven." I loved the meaning. At the time, I didn't know the significance of Sidrah in the Qur'an, but I appreciated the spiritual context from which it came. During the whole time I was helping this sweet woman, I felt a spiritual bond with her. It seems a bit silly, seeing as I work in a beauty supply and I was helping her find shampoo and the like, but really. She was a special spirit. We were two entirely different women from totally different walks of life, but I felt a kinship that I know could have come from nowhere else but the commonality that we shared in both being daughters of God.

I have come to see and realize the beauty in humanity since moving to Flagstaff. I love meeting people. I love differences. I don't even mean visible differences, but personalities as well. There is something beautiful about every person on this earth. I know that seems cliche to say, but I have personally found this truth in my life and have a new appreciation for people.

who are you?

My anxiety has been getting the best of me lately. This question keeps coming back to me over and over and over again. I don't know the answer. That slightly frightens me. The thing is, I know what I want. At least I think I do. But I feel far away from the means to achieve what it is that I want.

I never feel like I am good enough. Never good enough in so many ways. Never pretty enough, never small enough, never smart enough, never funny enough, never clever enough. I've found that I drag myself into this downward spiral of self-loathing or self-pity more often in the last six months. I feel like I know what it is that brings me here, but I don't like to admit it to myself.

I haven't gone to church since the end of March. Parts of me misses it, misses the familiarity and the feeling of it all. Another part of me is afraid to return, to admit to myself that I need it in my life. That my imperfect soul can be healed there.

The thing is, it isn't the institution or the people there that do the healing. I have the hardest time with people at church. Not everyone, but just the few people who drive me absolutely crazy in my head with their "everything is perfect and I love church" gimmick. Drives me nuts. I shouldn't be saying these things, but I think it all the time. I know these people mean well, or they try, but I cannot, can not, stand that mentality. At all. I want to see flaws, imperfection, failure even. Because I see myself as so incredibly imperfect and I feel that those imperfections are visible to everyone around me. I don't want to feel alone.

What I do think is good and real about church is its ability to bring me closer to God. I think that God sees church as a way of me saying, "All right. I need you. I'm here. And this is place is supposed to be an outlet for spirituality, so this is me trying." In that respect, I don't think it matters what church you attend, who you feel you are speaking/praying to, or where you are. Church could be somewhere where you are alone in nature. It could be in a chapel surrounded by 200 other people. It could be on your front porch. Doesn't matter, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, obviously there are some aspects of an established religion and those meetings that are helpful in many ways, with lessons and discussions and so on. But the point I'm getting at here is that the desire for a spiritual relationship with God exists. I know I want that in my life but the relationship itself is very faint. It has grown increasingly dim in the last six months. I think I want it back.

I didn't intend for this post to become about my spiritual struggle. At all. I actually was originally wanting to go on a rant about my stupid want for a relationship. But it looks like I need different relationships in my life first. My relationship with God and my relationship with myself. We'll see if this is all still with me when I wake in the morning.