Dear Friends --

Meet Boyfriend.
Bronson.
I adore him with all of my being.
The best part?
He adores me just the same.

PS. I think he is a keeper.

Daddy's Girl

So, it has been almost two months since I have written and there is too much to catch up on.

I decided to leave Flagstaff and leave NAU behind. I don't regret my time in Flag at all. My year and a half there gave me opportunity to meet amazing people and live on my own. I think experienced more trials in that year and a half than I did in most of my life. My family was unstable, I made a lot of stupid decisions, and lost myself for a while. But I regret none of it.

I moved back down to the valley about a week and a half ago. My dad now has a place of his own and I decided that it would be best for me to live with him. I have loved being in his home. It is the first time that I have felt like I live in a real "home" in at least two years. My dad has flipped a 180 in the last six months. He is so loving and so outwardly happy. I haven't seen him like this in years and years. There is such a warm spirit in this house and I am so comfortable being here. The day I moved in, I found my sister, hugged her, cried and said, "I am home. I am safe." I am surrounded by those I love the most and I have never appreciated them more.

Not all is so blissful in the family, though. My mom is an entirely different story. She was the one who initiated the divorce but she seems to be taking it the hardest as well. The home in QC is no longer a happy place. Just walking into it weighs heavily on me. The spirit that dwells there is so dark and unpleasant. It has definitely taken a toll on my mom. Thankfully, she is moving into a new place and I think that will make a big difference in her behavior. The QC house was much too large for her to be in by herself, which she has been lately. She is emotionally unstable and the kids don't like to be around for too long because her good moments don't last too long.

There is another thing that is pretty new and also causing 'stress' (for lack of a better word) on our family. Dad has starting seeing another woman. It sounds so strange to say because it is very soon. He first introduced her to us kids the day after Christmas. He brought her home, without warning anyone, as his "friend", but I didn't buy it. Madie and I became very upset and took him aside and told him how we felt -- that it was too soon, too fast, what are you playing at?, who is she to you?, etc. He apologized and told us that he hadn't been doing anything inappropriate, that they weren't dating, just friends, but that after the divorce, she could potentially become someone special. Weird to think about. But Madie and I promised to be polite to her the first night we met. It was awkward and weird, but I went along with it.
A few days ago, my dad got the 'go-ahead' to date. And he told us kids right away. I really have appreciated my dad being straight-forward and honest with us, and with myself in particular. He has emphasized over and over again that he wants me to talk to him about anything that comes to mind, especially about what he is doing. He and I have been able to have many heart-to-hearts since I have been home -- more than we have had in the last three years combined. I feel closer to my dad than I can ever remember. And he is happy and radiant, which is something that I doubt anyone can recall my dad as, let alone for a consistent period of time.

I want both of my parents to find happiness again. My dad is well on his way and I hope my mom finds her path soon as well. I have faith that these trials are ours to experience and learn from and that peace will be made ours if we stay strong.

At A Crossroads

It's nearly 1 o'clock in the morning and I have class at 8 AM. But I don't even care. I need to write.

So, last week was my 20th birthday. Feels weird saying 'twenty' now instead of '_____teen'. The week of my birthday was a busy one. I was hired to photograph a wedding in Salt Lake City for a couple that I met up here in Flag and whose engagement photos I did back in September. It didn't seem to take long for my birthday/day of driving to arrive. But it came and the five days I spent away from my current reality brought me to a crossroads.

I have been struggling here in Flag. I'm not doing well in school, in my personal life, my 'home'/housing situation, my parents are (supposedly, according to Mom) getting a divorce, and so on. This isn't a plea for pity -- just understand that there are a few weighty things on my plate and I have been stretched to my limit here. I went to Utah, thankful for any excuse to escape from what my reality has become.

The game plan was Wednesday night/Thursday with family, Friday for wedding, Saturday with Chase, leave on Sunday. That's pretty much how it went.

I arrived Wednesday night to aunt Heather's where I cleaned up, Chase came over, we all chatted, then grabbed In-N-Out for dinner. Nothing too exciting, but totally fine by me. I spent Thursday with Heather and her kids, traipsing around to do whatever, visited some more family, then everyone came over to Heather's for pizza and (belated) birthday cake. That night, I packed up and headed to Chase's apartment to stay with him.

Just to backtrack for a moment, Chase was a missionary in my home ward when I was a junior in high school. We dated long-distance when he got off his mission for several months. It had been almost two years since we had seen each other. But we had been talking again for a while and made plans for me to stay with him while I was in Utah.

So, Thursday night I spent in Chase's apartment and I had to wake up super early to go drive to the hotel where the wedding party was staying at. That morning, I did the bride + all 5 bridesmaids + mother of the bride's makeup, and then we all headed to the wedding ceremony. I could write an entirely separate post about the wedding and all. It was beautiful and I was privileged to be able to photograph it. After the wedding, I had a few hours before I had to be present at the reception, so Chase and I were treated to lunch by his best friend/co-worker at WGU. Chase ended up tagging along with me to the reception, too. It was an adorable, charming location and I am very happy with the pictures.

Saturday morning, Chase took me out to brunch at a quaint diner called Ruth's, hidden in the middle of a beautiful canyon. It was overwhelmingly picturesque. The diner itself was an original diner car on a train in the 1930s that was built on to create the diner. It embodied the quirky and whimsical nature of the 1950s décor with bright yellow walls, retro lamps that gave off a warm, golden glow, hardwood flooring, and a large photo of Ruth herself standing in front of a jukebox, cigarette hanging from her mouth, Chihuahua in her arms. Here I found myself sitting across from a familiar face, with nothing else to worry about. And outside the white paneled windows, snow was falling.

(if that didn’t set the scene for you, then I don’t know what will)

Right around that time, I began to wonder what I was doing with myself and think about the life that I had to go back to the next day. Chase and I spent the rest of Saturday with his sisters, traipsing around the mall and IKEA. We dropped his sisters off and went back to his apartment. The rest of the night, we stayed up laughing and talking, ordered pizza at midnight, and enjoyed each other’s company.

My alarm went off at 8:30 AM on Sunday morning. I shut it off and lay in bed for several more hours. It wasn’t until one o’clock in the afternoon that I finally pulled myself up, packed my things in my car, said goodbye to Chase, and left.

Since being back in Flag, I have had mixed feelings about everything going on in my life. For four/five days, I was truly happy with where I was and what I was doing. I was in a beautiful place with a great guy in his cute apartment, getting paid to take photos, not stressing, not rushing. Now I am back to being in and out of my house, going to classes that I have grown to no longer enjoy, and am unsatisfied with life. At the same time, I am scared out of my mind to say that. For the last four years, I have been gearing myself towards music education. Music has always been a huge part of my life. The idea of switching directions in my life scares me beyond words. But I no longer find happiness and/or interest in music like I used to. I am happy when I do hair and take pictures. The night I got back to Flag, I had a wild idea to leave NAU, move to Utah, get transferred to a Sally Beauty, and enroll in cosmetology school. The weird thing is, I want to make it happen. I am at a crossroads. Should I stay in Flag and finish what I started or do I go for it? I feel like I am craving to start an entirely new chapter in my life. This could be what turns the page for me.

Crossing my fingers

I have a theory about the universe. It's entirely unfounded on logic, but honestly, it seems like whenever I voice excitement or hope about something, it goes down the drain within a day. I would stay quiet about the things that I don't want to spoil, but I have the hardest time. I'm always anxious to tell the whole world about exciting news. Ughhh. Can't help it. I could write about my night last night, but I'm not going to. It was unexpected. I finally got the guts to share some feelings with a guy I dig. Now, I'm trying not to get my hopes up or anything, so I'm leaving it at that.


On an entirely different note, I am SO STOKED for Coldplay's new album, Mylo Xyloto, that will be released on October 24. I loved their EP, Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall. However, their latest single came from MX and it felt like someone was speaking to my soul. I don't know how musicians do it, but Coldplay has a particularly strong effect on me. So, go here to listen to this gem of a single. It is definitely among my top 10 favorite songs of all time now.

When she was just a girl,
She expected the world,
But it flew away from her reach,
So she ran away in her sleep.

Dreamed of para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Every time she closed her eyes.

Just some thoughts

1. The rain tonight was insane.
2. Watched V For Vendetta tonight with Sterling.
3. Had mac & cheese at midnight.
4. I need to be more assertive.
5. I kind of want to change my major.
6. Going to fall asleep now.

Last night

I went on a date. And it was excellent. I hope this is just the beginning.

Knock on wood.

sweet summertime.

Man, it has been ages since I've done any writing. I don't want to go into crazy details about everything that happened but maybe a summary will work.

June:
Summer school and work. Said goodbye to Jackson and Kason.

July:
Finished up summer school and that same day drove home to make my flight to Florida where my family and I ported out of Tampa for our five-day cruise to the island of Cozumel, Mexico. The cruise ship itself initially was quite astounding and pretty dang awesome. But I can see how it would be much more fun with alcohol involved. My favorite part of the cruise was actually spending the day on the island where we swam with sting rays, rented Jeeps, drove down to a little beach, ate at an authentic local restaurant on the beach where shoes were not necessary and the fish tacos were like heaven.

After the cruise, I stayed an extra few days with my aunt Brooke who leaves in Gainesville. She made my dream come true when she took me to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter the day before the midnight showing of the final HP movie. THAT was my favorite part of my whole summer.
And then the midnight showing of HP & DHP2:

The rest of July consisted of working back in Flag. I also drove home the last weekend in July to say goodbye to the Twins and Jake.

August:
Now, I'm back to work. I have been having a really hard time in the house recently. I hope things work out. I miss Lendal and Josh like nobody's business. Lendal will be back for a night to drop off his school things before he heads to St. Louis for the last week before school. Josh moves in to his apartment just down the street in a week. It will be so wonderful to have them back. School starts in 14 days. Bring it on.