having a hard time

I've been dying to write in here for the last week or so, but my days have seemed busier than I can ever recall. This is likely to be a venting-post. You've been warned.

I talk about change all the time. All. the. time. To be honest, nothing that cool ever really happens. But, in 20 days, I am guaranteed a change, one that I will be grateful for and indebted to my parents for the rest of my life. It's a personal thing and I don't know who reads my blog, if anyone (most likely), so I don't want to reveal anything. Anyways-- knowing what I'm in for has made me so antcy and impatient. I've lived like this my entire life, for as long as I can remember. Now the change, one of my biggest wishes, is right in front of me. I am terrified.

Since the beginning of my social life, I have always been best friends with guys. I wouldn't change that for anything. I love being around my guy friends and I feel infinitely blessed to have found my long-lost brothers. Twins, Jake, Stephen, Zach, Dylan, Kason... I love them beyond words. Not many girls are lucky as I am to be able to talk to these guys the way I can. To have them come to me for advice, say they are freaking out because they don't understand girls, etc. The really crappy thing? I am an "inbetween". The girl everyone loves to be friends with, but doesn't want to date. I think they forget that I'm a girl. I would love, just as much as any other, to be complimented, asked on a date, considered. While they come to me asking for help with prom, I am happy to help. When left to my own devices, I realize that I am not going to be asked. Like always. They have always been the only guys I can imagine knowing me well enough to be comfortable taking me places. I think what I'm getting at is that I am sad thinking about having another school dance come and go, even stupid prom, without having someone think of me and say, "Hmm... I want to go with Alex. She's awesome." This has always been the case, though this year's homecoming was an exception to the "I've never been asked". But whatever.

I'm so emotional. I miss relationships terribly, especially the physical-emotional connection. If I could roll my own eyes at myself, I would. I just think back on relationships I've been a part of and, though the person is not the same to me any more, I miss the feelings, the rushing, glazed-over-with-happiness expressions. Badly. And I've decided my middle name should be "Jumps the Gun". Alex "Jumps the Gun" C. Definitely has a ring to it.