grapevine fires.

I'm frustrated.

In a nutshell, there's a guy. He is one of my best friends and I love him dearly. But recently we figured out we've had feelings for each other and we got together. And then we ended it. Then we got back together. Ended it. Got back together. Ended it. That's where I'm at right now. It's not anger that keeps ending it, but conflict of emotions, the idea of right and wrong, what his parents want, my leaving for college, etc. I understand all of the reasons why not. I really do. The part I'm having a hard time with is the emotional whiplash I've been going through. No joke, there is not one guy who treats me as good as he does, who says what he does, let alone means them. His concerns are genuine and I can't get mad at him for that. I just hate feeling so incredibly happy and content just to have the rug pulled out from underneath me about every two days.

Sometimes in my frustration, I feel used. Either I'm listening to him or compromising on what I want for what he wants. Then if I think about what I compromised, it's a better decision than one I would have made on my own. He is definitely more spiritual than I am. I think that's natural though, because all pre-mission guys are terrified of distractions, especially relationships, no matter if it is three months or two years away like him. The worst part is that I am the distraction. For that I feel awful. Were he older, things would be different. And how I wish they could be.

Then again, I think what I want makes me selfish.