12.10.2010
12.07.2010
11:44 PM on December 7, 2010
Couldn't think of a more clever title. The ones I was coming up with were lame. So, that's that.
I feel a little bit better as of late. My world seems like it is stabilizing and I'm taking each day as it comes. Naturally, I still have random things here-and-there, like everyone else, that challenge me. But on the whole, I feel okay. My parents are doing better, my friends are solid as ever, and the semester is nearly finished. Time-out for a second -- I would just like to reiterate that I am almost done with my first semester of college! It went by crazy fast. I'll reflect on all that this semester has been on a later day. Sometime over break or something.
Snow is starting to come around up here at NAU. It came down quite a bit about a week ago and has been melting away since, but it's just around the corner from becoming the norm. I can tell. The thing about the snow is, it's really beautiful as it falls then softly touches the ground, layer upon layer, until the surroundings are blanketed in this white powder. But once people start running through it, or it's late at night and it becomes an obstacle, it is no longer as pleasant. Come January, I'm certain I'll be cursing myself silly for putting up with the snow. It's going to be cold. At least I have scarves, jackets, boots, and layers and layers of clothing. Woot!
I am so excited for break. :D I'm trying to get a job at Olive Garden in the QC, so cross your fingers for me. Christmas is only a couple weeks away and I still have to go shopping for everyone (ahh!), and then my family is going to be tearing it up in Glamis, CA (aka "The Dunes") over New Years'. When we went last year, we had a blast. Probably my best New Year's in a looong time. I'm stoked! :D
Alright, this girl needs to get to bed. Buenos noches. <3
I feel a little bit better as of late. My world seems like it is stabilizing and I'm taking each day as it comes. Naturally, I still have random things here-and-there, like everyone else, that challenge me. But on the whole, I feel okay. My parents are doing better, my friends are solid as ever, and the semester is nearly finished. Time-out for a second -- I would just like to reiterate that I am almost done with my first semester of college! It went by crazy fast. I'll reflect on all that this semester has been on a later day. Sometime over break or something.
Snow is starting to come around up here at NAU. It came down quite a bit about a week ago and has been melting away since, but it's just around the corner from becoming the norm. I can tell. The thing about the snow is, it's really beautiful as it falls then softly touches the ground, layer upon layer, until the surroundings are blanketed in this white powder. But once people start running through it, or it's late at night and it becomes an obstacle, it is no longer as pleasant. Come January, I'm certain I'll be cursing myself silly for putting up with the snow. It's going to be cold. At least I have scarves, jackets, boots, and layers and layers of clothing. Woot!
I am so excited for break. :D I'm trying to get a job at Olive Garden in the QC, so cross your fingers for me. Christmas is only a couple weeks away and I still have to go shopping for everyone (ahh!), and then my family is going to be tearing it up in Glamis, CA (aka "The Dunes") over New Years'. When we went last year, we had a blast. Probably my best New Year's in a looong time. I'm stoked! :D
Alright, this girl needs to get to bed. Buenos noches. <3
11.14.2010
Trouble
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I've set you apart.
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh, let's go back to the start.
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I've set you apart.
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh, let's go back to the start.
I feel so many different things right now. I don't even know where to start. I find myself dealing with more emotions on a daily basis than I ever have before. And I think about all these things I'm going to ramble about all the time. It's eating at me.
I'm worried that I am becoming selfish and self-absorbed, exhausting, irritating... all these things. I have been trying hard to be aware of my words and actions lately. I've been so blessed in my life with a loving family, the best of friends, and a beautiful place to be. Yet, I find myself taking these things for granted or being out of sorts when I am alone. I don't want to be demanding; I would much rather be the opposite, the person who gives of herself constantly, does not have expectations, and appreciates all the little things. I feel like I use my depression as an excuse for being "off" sometimes. I hate that I do that, like I'm trying to prove something or cover for being a certain way. The fact of the matter is that if people don't like who you are, having a reason (valid or not) for being that way won't change how they feel. Some people are incredibly kind and will put up with you, but that's just not something you want to take advantage of. It has taken me a while to realize this. I don't want to take advantage of people's kindness. I want there to be a balance of give and take on both ends of my relationships. I'm going to continue to try and be more emotionally independent, giving, and become a person that I would want to be friends with.
I'm worried that I am becoming selfish and self-absorbed, exhausting, irritating... all these things. I have been trying hard to be aware of my words and actions lately. I've been so blessed in my life with a loving family, the best of friends, and a beautiful place to be. Yet, I find myself taking these things for granted or being out of sorts when I am alone. I don't want to be demanding; I would much rather be the opposite, the person who gives of herself constantly, does not have expectations, and appreciates all the little things. I feel like I use my depression as an excuse for being "off" sometimes. I hate that I do that, like I'm trying to prove something or cover for being a certain way. The fact of the matter is that if people don't like who you are, having a reason (valid or not) for being that way won't change how they feel. Some people are incredibly kind and will put up with you, but that's just not something you want to take advantage of. It has taken me a while to realize this. I don't want to take advantage of people's kindness. I want there to be a balance of give and take on both ends of my relationships. I'm going to continue to try and be more emotionally independent, giving, and become a person that I would want to be friends with.
11.09.2010
11.04.2010
If you happen to meet an Alex,
- she might give you a nickname that you may or may not like.
- she will trust you.
- let her take photos of you. It's just part of the process.
- talk to her. She will listen.
- listen to her. She will be honest.
- she will want to share her joy and sadness with you.
- share secrets with her. She will not judge.
- she might be a bit silly now and then. But most of the time, low-key is her thing.
- she wears her heart on her sleeve. Don't be intimidated.
- ask her about her music.
- allow her to show you vulnerability.
- know that she thinks about you because she cares.
- she will remember your birthday.
- you might see her become emotional. She is terrible at hiding.
- she will ask you way more than 20 questions about yourself.
- ask her questions. Anything.
- she will try to think of sincere things to say to you so you know you are appreciated.
- her train of thought is very random. It is probably best not to question.
- return the favor of a back massage if she gives you one.
- she will tell you exactly what she thinks.
- she will tell you she loves you and mean it.
10.31.2010
Twenty-seven months
One of my best friends came home from his mission last night, Cameron. I've known Cam since I was 15; he is my best friend, Cassie's, boyfriend. He left on his mission to Baltimore/D.C. area in July 2008. While in the MTC (Missionary Training Center), he injured his leg and had to have surgery on his ACL with a 3 month recovery period, for which he opted to stay in Utah rather than come home. So, unlike most missions which are 24 months, Cam stuck it out an extra three. Thus totaling 27 months.
I didn't know if Cassie was going to make it/wait for him. But she did and I am so happy that she did. I cannot say enough about how amazing Cameron is. When Cassie called me last night and suddenly I heard Cameron talk into the phone, I lost it. Cassie had been counting down the days since day number one. Naturally I was kept up-to-date with his mission through their correspondence. I was out of my mind with nervousness. I only wrote him three times over the course of his mission. It's not that I didn't think about him, I thought and prayed about him all the time. I was just terrible with the correspondence via snail-mail. I raced over in my car to his house, shaking like crazy. I have had a couple friends return from their missions in the last year, but none of them hold a candle to the bond and depth of friendship I feel for Cam. When I walked into his house and saw him, my attempt to talk ended up being quite incoherent. I just stared; he was back. Finally. Cameron is back.
Last night was probably the weirdest thing I've experienced in...ever? Can I say that? Cassie was back where she belongs, right next to Cam on the couch. I know for a fact, because we spoke beforehand, that Cass was nervous like I was to see if things would feel the same, if Cameron was still as much the same person, to see if the chemistry and friendships were still there, still compatible. It all was, which was something I didn't know quite how to take last night. Cam had Cassie scooted up close on one side, holding her hand, affectionately kissing her head now and again. On his other side was me, his arm around my shoulder, playing with my hair and talking to the both of us. It was weird for a little bit, but then I stopped fighting it and realized nothing had changed. We hadn't missed a beat.
Today was wonderful. I went to Cam's homecoming talk and sat next to Cassie. Cameron definitely looks the same, granted he does show some physical signs of maturity, but his spirit is radiant. It's amazing. He has so much depth and experience behind him yet has still managed to maintain his sense of humor and every essence of character & personality that I remembered from before. Following his talk was a luncheon, which for Cass, Cam, Tanner, Laci, and I (as well as close family) became an all-day thing. I felt myself naturally fall back into place, into the same rhythm as before, next to Cassie & Cam. I didn't realize how much I missed it. But it all came effortlessly, quietly, and perfectly. We have picked up right where we left off, 828 days later.
I didn't know if Cassie was going to make it/wait for him. But she did and I am so happy that she did. I cannot say enough about how amazing Cameron is. When Cassie called me last night and suddenly I heard Cameron talk into the phone, I lost it. Cassie had been counting down the days since day number one. Naturally I was kept up-to-date with his mission through their correspondence. I was out of my mind with nervousness. I only wrote him three times over the course of his mission. It's not that I didn't think about him, I thought and prayed about him all the time. I was just terrible with the correspondence via snail-mail. I raced over in my car to his house, shaking like crazy. I have had a couple friends return from their missions in the last year, but none of them hold a candle to the bond and depth of friendship I feel for Cam. When I walked into his house and saw him, my attempt to talk ended up being quite incoherent. I just stared; he was back. Finally. Cameron is back.
Last night was probably the weirdest thing I've experienced in...ever? Can I say that? Cassie was back where she belongs, right next to Cam on the couch. I know for a fact, because we spoke beforehand, that Cass was nervous like I was to see if things would feel the same, if Cameron was still as much the same person, to see if the chemistry and friendships were still there, still compatible. It all was, which was something I didn't know quite how to take last night. Cam had Cassie scooted up close on one side, holding her hand, affectionately kissing her head now and again. On his other side was me, his arm around my shoulder, playing with my hair and talking to the both of us. It was weird for a little bit, but then I stopped fighting it and realized nothing had changed. We hadn't missed a beat.
Today was wonderful. I went to Cam's homecoming talk and sat next to Cassie. Cameron definitely looks the same, granted he does show some physical signs of maturity, but his spirit is radiant. It's amazing. He has so much depth and experience behind him yet has still managed to maintain his sense of humor and every essence of character & personality that I remembered from before. Following his talk was a luncheon, which for Cass, Cam, Tanner, Laci, and I (as well as close family) became an all-day thing. I felt myself naturally fall back into place, into the same rhythm as before, next to Cassie & Cam. I didn't realize how much I missed it. But it all came effortlessly, quietly, and perfectly. We have picked up right where we left off, 828 days later.
9.15.2010
let it all out.
I'm not really upset. There's just a few things on my mind.
Naturally, all the freshman here are eyeing each other. I got some action the first week of school and then the guy pretty much dropped me. Irritating, for sure. But then I stop and think, "It's only three weeks into the school year. Why am I in a hurry?" I shouldn't be in a hurry. I'm definitely loving the friends that I have made. There are a couple guys that are really chill & just solid all-around. They don't play games. I can't stand players. That's what it is. I'm not into 'messing around'. If you're going to get together with me and flirt like mad, go for it -- but don't lead me on. If we're just gonna be friends, awesome. Friends are great. Just. don't. play. games. Thanks.
I've been sick this last week and I've about had it with my voice being in and out. Really quite annoying. But I finally feel like I'm over the worst of it. Hopefully I'll be 100% better in a couple days.
Alright, I vented. Think I'm gonna go for a nap before my last class at 5:30.
Naturally, all the freshman here are eyeing each other. I got some action the first week of school and then the guy pretty much dropped me. Irritating, for sure. But then I stop and think, "It's only three weeks into the school year. Why am I in a hurry?" I shouldn't be in a hurry. I'm definitely loving the friends that I have made. There are a couple guys that are really chill & just solid all-around. They don't play games. I can't stand players. That's what it is. I'm not into 'messing around'. If you're going to get together with me and flirt like mad, go for it -- but don't lead me on. If we're just gonna be friends, awesome. Friends are great. Just. don't. play. games. Thanks.
I've been sick this last week and I've about had it with my voice being in and out. Really quite annoying. But I finally feel like I'm over the worst of it. Hopefully I'll be 100% better in a couple days.
Alright, I vented. Think I'm gonna go for a nap before my last class at 5:30.
9.07.2010
UN1V3RS1TY L1F3
<-- yep. That's me living it up in Allen. I don't know why I felt the need to title this post as I did. I'd like to blame the Beastie Boys.
Thus far, I gotta say: I LOVE NAU.
There have been some obstacles that I've had to overcome, as to be expected, but I am truly happy. I feel alive with this independence. I was a little hesitant and freaked out during the first few days of being on my own. Chels was working constantly and I found myself with a lot of free time. Chels is still working constantly, but I have since found a balance that I can handle. And some new friends. (: The general vibe on campus is pretty chill & friendly. What else would you expect at NAU? I've established a reputation for myself on my floor as "the girl who cuts hair". Six haircuts and counting! My mom would be so proud of me. Hahahaha.
I really like all of my classes for the most part. Chels warned me that the hardest part about being a college kid was simply doing the work. And that's true. I'm managing to stay responsible and do my homework/readings thus far. I am determined to establish successful study & homework habits. I want to succeed in every way possible.
Classes are good, independence is marvelous, friends are excellent, I am happy. (:
8.24.2010
boxes. lots of boxes.
It is such an indescribable feeling to be at this place, this "in-between" of what was, and what will be. I have had such excitement for this time in my life. Taking things down and putting them into cardboard boxes never felt so good. I look to the corner of my room and see several medium boxes, a longboard, guitar, microwave, printer, sheets -- all signs of a new life. And then these bare walls. The thing about the naked walls is that it was almost cathartic to be able to gradually break away from home as I took down each poster, one by one. And on Thursday, I will be putting myself back together with such enthusiasm, I won't be able to contain myself. I cannot WAIT for it to be Thursday.
OH -- good news, friends! My amazing best friend, Chels, went back up to NAU today and did a little scouting for me to see what my room situation is to be. I am with an RA (Resident Assistant) in our hall, named Julie. Chels says she's way chill & sweet and we will definitely be compatible. I can't wait to meet her. (: Anddd, I'm just 20 feet down the hall from Chels. I am a happy girl.
Countdown is t-minus 15 hours to departure.
Bye, QC. <3
OH -- good news, friends! My amazing best friend, Chels, went back up to NAU today and did a little scouting for me to see what my room situation is to be. I am with an RA (Resident Assistant) in our hall, named Julie. Chels says she's way chill & sweet and we will definitely be compatible. I can't wait to meet her. (: Anddd, I'm just 20 feet down the hall from Chels. I am a happy girl.
Countdown is t-minus 15 hours to departure.
Bye, QC. <3
8.13.2010
Believing
It is a long and hard road to travel. The last week and a half has been one of much spiritual growth. My dad gave me a book to read, Stephen Robinson's Believing Christ. To be truly honest, I have a hard time reading literature of a spiritual nature because a person's spirituality is individual and, beyond that, personal. Essentially, I find some of the literature to be "hokey" or not relatable because I am too distracted by the fact that someone else is telling me about the nature of God & my religion. It turns me off; I don't like being told how it is. I feel like my testimony is constantly evolving. It regresses and progresses because it is a part of our soul and spirit, both of which I believe to be living things. All that aside, I approached this book differently. And what I got from it was worth more than the time it took to read.
My heart was hurting and weak from my lackadaisical approach to my spirituality for at least the last year. I was looking for something to bring me comfort and understanding to counter the weight of my burdens I had inflicted upon myself. What I found was greater than that. I found hope and a renewed understanding of the Atonement and of my Savior. There has been a tremendous change in my heart already because of the hope that this book showed to me. I know it sounds strange to ramble on about my spirituality, I get it. Spirituality is, like I said, personal. That's why I will keep this short. But for those of you whom I am close to, who have been looking out for me for the last little while, know that I am feeling better. So much better. But I still have a long way to go; this journey is only just beginning.
My heart was hurting and weak from my lackadaisical approach to my spirituality for at least the last year. I was looking for something to bring me comfort and understanding to counter the weight of my burdens I had inflicted upon myself. What I found was greater than that. I found hope and a renewed understanding of the Atonement and of my Savior. There has been a tremendous change in my heart already because of the hope that this book showed to me. I know it sounds strange to ramble on about my spirituality, I get it. Spirituality is, like I said, personal. That's why I will keep this short. But for those of you whom I am close to, who have been looking out for me for the last little while, know that I am feeling better. So much better. But I still have a long way to go; this journey is only just beginning.
8.01.2010
I finally reached out. I nearly fell off the cliff, but I was pulled back.
It started here:
A month ago, I was Facebook friend requested by a guy. Since orientation was the week before, I thought he was someone I met there. I messaged him and asked "so...did I meet you at orientation or how do I know you?" Turns out he was browsing the NAU Class of '14 (incoming freshman), saw I was a music major, became interested, & added me. Flattering, cute. I liked where this was going. We continued to talk daily via facebook messages, good convo albeit there was definitely flirting. After about two and a half weeks, we exchanged numbers & began texting. Our conversations were consistent daily, just chatting away about whatever. I felt like I found a new friend & potentially someone to look forward to getting to know better (catch my drift?) He was super adorable, said cute things, called me "hun", etc. There were several instances where he implied that he was interested in me. I made plans to meet him before school so we could get to know each other. That day would be tomorrow.
This morning I received a text message from him on some second thoughts he was having about me coming down to Tucson. Something about his family, a weird situation going on in the neighborhood, and "some other things, too". Simultaneously I became both sickened & upset. This isn't it. Something's up. What did I do? After a couple straightforward & honest text messages on my end to get to the point, he told me that he didn't think we had more in common than NAU & music and that he was interested in someone else. He apologized "if he led me on". I told him that he definitely did, that I was hurt, and was sad things ended this way.
I was so upset. Upset isn't even the word for it. I felt at such a loss for having invested myself ridiculously too much, for getting my hopes up at all, for the last month. Seriously, I have never stared at my phone so much just waiting for the stupid little blue light text notification. And even though I knew I was being desperate, I wasn't doing anything to change it. What I didn't realize was that my mom saw another yellow flag go up in my life and it was time to talk.
My mom asked me if she could talk to me earlier this evening. She knew about Michael & our plans & I told her what happened that morning. We sat down on the front lawn. I was determined to listen, not to get upset and find things to get offended about like I have for every conversation between one or both of my parents for the last year. I just sat and listened. My mom told me every thought in her head about where she felt I was going and how I haven't been respecting myself. Mind you, she said these things with as much love & as delicately as she could have. She told me that I was exuding this sort of Alex that was essentially beneath my real self, this new Alex that said, "I'm willing to compromise for less than what I'm worth" sort of idea. She was totally, 100% right. I cried. I've felt like I am an absolute mess for the the last year. I haven't felt myself standing on a firm foundation or had anything that truly grounds me. In lacking this necessary foundation, I've become lax and uncaring towards myself. At the same time, part of me thought I'm not a bad person. I don't do bad things. I go to church every week. I pray. I'm a good person. But that's not it. It takes much more than that. I've just been going through the motions. I haven't had my foundation planted where it should be.
When I thought I was done, both of my parents asked to talk to me a couple hours later. My dad did most of the talking this time. I love my dad, but I feel so incredibly vulnerable when he talks to me about serious issues. I know it makes him uncomfortable, too. Communication is not my dad's strong point in that he doesn't communicate until it is necessary. That's exactly what was up. Intervention was necessary for me. Dad said that he feels like I am at a crossroads and that I really truly could go either way and not care. He likened me to the wise man and the foolish man, a parable that I learned in song since I was little in church. The wise man build his house upon the rock, the foolish man built his house upon the sand. When the rains and floods came, the house upon the rock stood still while the house upon the sand washed away. My house is built upon sand right now. My dad told me that he has been reading, researching, and praying about what to do about me. He feels very strongly that I should stay at home and either attend ASU or Chandler-Gilbert while I do some much needed repair on my spirit. No NAU? I can't just 'not go'. I have a scholarship. I want to be on my own. I want to be up there. Not here. I didn't know what to say so I just cried. I told them I want to go to NAU, that I have every intention of going to Institute and church, of being active & responsible. But even I knew when I said that, that wasn't enough. That wasn't the point. My testimony isn't strong. More importantly, the foundation that I am so desperately lacking is the Savior. I haven't been relying on Him for anything. As much as I have seen the differences that the Savior makes in the lives of other people, especially my parents, I don't know what part of me leads me to neglect the promise of love, forgiveness, peace, happiness, & strength that is there.
I know what I want. What I want, truly want more than anything, is a solid foundation in my life. I need to build my house upon the rock, and that rock is the Savior. I know it is. I've always had that answer in front of me, but never needed it more in my life than now. I've been raised with truth in my life, this same truth is engrained at my very core of myself. No matter the nose piercings, the occassional swearing, whatever I do, I know there is more for me and it does not lie in the things of the world. It really is hard & difficult to come to terms with this, but my spiritual well-being is so much more important than my temporal well-being. My future is not in my hands any more; it is in the Lord's. If I manage to find enough strength in the next three weeks to provide myself a foundation to move forward on, then NAU, here I come. If not, then it isn't time yet. But I am determined and resolved to get better. I am so grateful that my parents caught me before I fell and hit rock bottom. It has been a long and very difficult relationship this last year, but they do love me. For the first time, I am putting my faith to the test.
It started here:
A month ago, I was Facebook friend requested by a guy. Since orientation was the week before, I thought he was someone I met there. I messaged him and asked "so...did I meet you at orientation or how do I know you?" Turns out he was browsing the NAU Class of '14 (incoming freshman), saw I was a music major, became interested, & added me. Flattering, cute. I liked where this was going. We continued to talk daily via facebook messages, good convo albeit there was definitely flirting. After about two and a half weeks, we exchanged numbers & began texting. Our conversations were consistent daily, just chatting away about whatever. I felt like I found a new friend & potentially someone to look forward to getting to know better (catch my drift?) He was super adorable, said cute things, called me "hun", etc. There were several instances where he implied that he was interested in me. I made plans to meet him before school so we could get to know each other. That day would be tomorrow.
This morning I received a text message from him on some second thoughts he was having about me coming down to Tucson. Something about his family, a weird situation going on in the neighborhood, and "some other things, too". Simultaneously I became both sickened & upset. This isn't it. Something's up. What did I do? After a couple straightforward & honest text messages on my end to get to the point, he told me that he didn't think we had more in common than NAU & music and that he was interested in someone else. He apologized "if he led me on". I told him that he definitely did, that I was hurt, and was sad things ended this way.
I was so upset. Upset isn't even the word for it. I felt at such a loss for having invested myself ridiculously too much, for getting my hopes up at all, for the last month. Seriously, I have never stared at my phone so much just waiting for the stupid little blue light text notification. And even though I knew I was being desperate, I wasn't doing anything to change it. What I didn't realize was that my mom saw another yellow flag go up in my life and it was time to talk.
My mom asked me if she could talk to me earlier this evening. She knew about Michael & our plans & I told her what happened that morning. We sat down on the front lawn. I was determined to listen, not to get upset and find things to get offended about like I have for every conversation between one or both of my parents for the last year. I just sat and listened. My mom told me every thought in her head about where she felt I was going and how I haven't been respecting myself. Mind you, she said these things with as much love & as delicately as she could have. She told me that I was exuding this sort of Alex that was essentially beneath my real self, this new Alex that said, "I'm willing to compromise for less than what I'm worth" sort of idea. She was totally, 100% right. I cried. I've felt like I am an absolute mess for the the last year. I haven't felt myself standing on a firm foundation or had anything that truly grounds me. In lacking this necessary foundation, I've become lax and uncaring towards myself. At the same time, part of me thought I'm not a bad person. I don't do bad things. I go to church every week. I pray. I'm a good person. But that's not it. It takes much more than that. I've just been going through the motions. I haven't had my foundation planted where it should be.
When I thought I was done, both of my parents asked to talk to me a couple hours later. My dad did most of the talking this time. I love my dad, but I feel so incredibly vulnerable when he talks to me about serious issues. I know it makes him uncomfortable, too. Communication is not my dad's strong point in that he doesn't communicate until it is necessary. That's exactly what was up. Intervention was necessary for me. Dad said that he feels like I am at a crossroads and that I really truly could go either way and not care. He likened me to the wise man and the foolish man, a parable that I learned in song since I was little in church. The wise man build his house upon the rock, the foolish man built his house upon the sand. When the rains and floods came, the house upon the rock stood still while the house upon the sand washed away. My house is built upon sand right now. My dad told me that he has been reading, researching, and praying about what to do about me. He feels very strongly that I should stay at home and either attend ASU or Chandler-Gilbert while I do some much needed repair on my spirit. No NAU? I can't just 'not go'. I have a scholarship. I want to be on my own. I want to be up there. Not here. I didn't know what to say so I just cried. I told them I want to go to NAU, that I have every intention of going to Institute and church, of being active & responsible. But even I knew when I said that, that wasn't enough. That wasn't the point. My testimony isn't strong. More importantly, the foundation that I am so desperately lacking is the Savior. I haven't been relying on Him for anything. As much as I have seen the differences that the Savior makes in the lives of other people, especially my parents, I don't know what part of me leads me to neglect the promise of love, forgiveness, peace, happiness, & strength that is there.
I know what I want. What I want, truly want more than anything, is a solid foundation in my life. I need to build my house upon the rock, and that rock is the Savior. I know it is. I've always had that answer in front of me, but never needed it more in my life than now. I've been raised with truth in my life, this same truth is engrained at my very core of myself. No matter the nose piercings, the occassional swearing, whatever I do, I know there is more for me and it does not lie in the things of the world. It really is hard & difficult to come to terms with this, but my spiritual well-being is so much more important than my temporal well-being. My future is not in my hands any more; it is in the Lord's. If I manage to find enough strength in the next three weeks to provide myself a foundation to move forward on, then NAU, here I come. If not, then it isn't time yet. But I am determined and resolved to get better. I am so grateful that my parents caught me before I fell and hit rock bottom. It has been a long and very difficult relationship this last year, but they do love me. For the first time, I am putting my faith to the test.
7.14.2010
summer before college.
It's so long. I used to relish the summer break between the school years. Not so much any more.
I decided on NAU for school, though I think I already blogged that. I had orientation a few weeks ago and picked out my classes. Since getting accepted to NAU, I've encountered a few obstacles that, to be honest, are really irritating. Because my admission to NAU was so recent, I missed the auditions for the School of Music. Without being in the SoM, I can't take the classes required for my major (choral music ed.), which is already a 4 1/2 - 5 year degree. I can't take my music classes. I cried when I found out. My academic advisor wasn't the least bit sympathetic. I just kept asking, "What CAN I do to make this the best situation possible?" and he just looked at me. I wanted to yell: You don't know a thing about me. Don't look at me like that. Music is the heart & soul of all that I do. HELP ME. Alas, you can't yell at people like that. So I didn't.
And then there's housing. Chels is already up at NAU, and naturally, I chose her as my roomate. We were all excited, planning out how we were going to redecorate her dorm in Allen, become RA's, and all that. Then about a week ago, my dad found out that he would have the means to possibly supply us an apartment. AN APARTMENT? Waaay better than a dorm. Dad & I drove up to check it out on Monday. The place was dirty & grimy, but looked like it had potential. The downside was that it's two miles from campus, which is inconvenient without a car. For Chels, it was a matter of money. Until she saw the apartment. With her schedule, the apartment doesn't look like it's going to work. I can't have the apartment unless I have a roomate. And it's quite late to be looking for a roomate for an apartment when school starts in a month.
Now it looks like we'll be on campus. But, here's the catch. Chels found out that if we decide to keep one another as roomates, she will not be able to keep her dorm at Allen. We will be at McConnell. On the south side of campus. The farthest dorm from everything. E v e r y t h i n g. I don't want to make Chels live somewhere she doesn't want to. So I'm not going to.
I'm just frustrated. I wanted things to look better for the fall. But right now, my heart is kind of broken. I'm probably just being overdramatic. Someone get me to Flag and slap me.
I decided on NAU for school, though I think I already blogged that. I had orientation a few weeks ago and picked out my classes. Since getting accepted to NAU, I've encountered a few obstacles that, to be honest, are really irritating. Because my admission to NAU was so recent, I missed the auditions for the School of Music. Without being in the SoM, I can't take the classes required for my major (choral music ed.), which is already a 4 1/2 - 5 year degree. I can't take my music classes. I cried when I found out. My academic advisor wasn't the least bit sympathetic. I just kept asking, "What CAN I do to make this the best situation possible?" and he just looked at me. I wanted to yell: You don't know a thing about me. Don't look at me like that. Music is the heart & soul of all that I do. HELP ME. Alas, you can't yell at people like that. So I didn't.
And then there's housing. Chels is already up at NAU, and naturally, I chose her as my roomate. We were all excited, planning out how we were going to redecorate her dorm in Allen, become RA's, and all that. Then about a week ago, my dad found out that he would have the means to possibly supply us an apartment. AN APARTMENT? Waaay better than a dorm. Dad & I drove up to check it out on Monday. The place was dirty & grimy, but looked like it had potential. The downside was that it's two miles from campus, which is inconvenient without a car. For Chels, it was a matter of money. Until she saw the apartment. With her schedule, the apartment doesn't look like it's going to work. I can't have the apartment unless I have a roomate. And it's quite late to be looking for a roomate for an apartment when school starts in a month.
Now it looks like we'll be on campus. But, here's the catch. Chels found out that if we decide to keep one another as roomates, she will not be able to keep her dorm at Allen. We will be at McConnell. On the south side of campus. The farthest dorm from everything. E v e r y t h i n g. I don't want to make Chels live somewhere she doesn't want to. So I'm not going to.
I'm just frustrated. I wanted things to look better for the fall. But right now, my heart is kind of broken. I'm probably just being overdramatic. Someone get me to Flag and slap me.
6.10.2010
oatmeal for breakfast. (: mmm
Five things you will find if you open my bag:
1. canon rebel XS, my baby
2. motorola droid. it does.
3. my debit card.
4. driver's license and/or school ID
5. travel make-up bag with the essentials: mascara, eyelash curler, powder, lipgloss.
Five things in my bedroom:
1. sound system
2. stationary bike
3. photographs
4. one of my cats
5. empty fishbowl (RIP poisson)
Five things I’ve always wanted to do in my life:
1. teach
2. become a reputable photographer
3. adopt a child
4. meet my future husband
5. be happy
Five things that make me very happy:
1. my family
2. chels
3. cass & spence
4. my brothas
5. my kitties
Five things I’m currently into:
1. prepping to move out
2. getting into shape
3. more photography
4. trying new things
5. not having expectations
Five things on my to-do list:
1. exercise: cycle & swim
2. shop for dorm accessories/necessities
3. figure out what i want to wear
4. plan a photoshoot with Jack_E
5. look for more $$ for college
Five things some people may or may not know about me:
1. I have three fears: pool vacuums, ET, and stalkers.
2. I like to scare myself with horror movies and then get Madie to sleep in my bed.
3. I am an even divide of both my parents.
4. I jump the gun in relationships.
5. I’ve never broken a bone in my body.
6.09.2010
moving forward
As far as my last post goes, I'm done. That's all I have to say about that.
Things finally started to come together. I decided this last week that NAU up in Flagstaff is where I belong. So, come this fall I will be rooming with my best friend of the last 11 years, Chels, in the gorgeous northern part of my home state to study choral music education. Y' know, this just feels right. I was having a really stressful time in between trying to get myself to Florida, figure out finances, where scholarships would come from, etc. And then my parents heard I would lose all of my in-state scholarships and they said, "Wait. Hold up." I took a breather, walked out of my mom's room, came back in 10 minutes later and said, "I feel like I'm supposed to go to NAU. That's where I'm supposed to be." Within moments of having said that, I felt relief. Everything is going to be alright.
Right now I am just praying and crossing my fingers that everything else falls into place. Housing is full for the fall, but Chels already has dibs on her dorm and is going to manipulate her way into getting me for a roomie. My parents are hoping I find some kind of last-minute $$ to help pay for room & board as well as books. We'll see if that comes around. I'm trying.
Summer is a welcome break and I am enjoying waking up at 9 AM or later. Today it was nearly 11 when I rolled out of bed. And man, it was nice. I'd like to keep up with that. (;
5.24.2010
grapevine fires.
I'm frustrated.
In a nutshell, there's a guy. He is one of my best friends and I love him dearly. But recently we figured out we've had feelings for each other and we got together. And then we ended it. Then we got back together. Ended it. Got back together. Ended it. That's where I'm at right now. It's not anger that keeps ending it, but conflict of emotions, the idea of right and wrong, what his parents want, my leaving for college, etc. I understand all of the reasons why not. I really do. The part I'm having a hard time with is the emotional whiplash I've been going through. No joke, there is not one guy who treats me as good as he does, who says what he does, let alone means them. His concerns are genuine and I can't get mad at him for that. I just hate feeling so incredibly happy and content just to have the rug pulled out from underneath me about every two days.
Sometimes in my frustration, I feel used. Either I'm listening to him or compromising on what I want for what he wants. Then if I think about what I compromised, it's a better decision than one I would have made on my own. He is definitely more spiritual than I am. I think that's natural though, because all pre-mission guys are terrified of distractions, especially relationships, no matter if it is three months or two years away like him. The worst part is that I am the distraction. For that I feel awful. Were he older, things would be different. And how I wish they could be.
Then again, I think what I want makes me selfish.
In a nutshell, there's a guy. He is one of my best friends and I love him dearly. But recently we figured out we've had feelings for each other and we got together. And then we ended it. Then we got back together. Ended it. Got back together. Ended it. That's where I'm at right now. It's not anger that keeps ending it, but conflict of emotions, the idea of right and wrong, what his parents want, my leaving for college, etc. I understand all of the reasons why not. I really do. The part I'm having a hard time with is the emotional whiplash I've been going through. No joke, there is not one guy who treats me as good as he does, who says what he does, let alone means them. His concerns are genuine and I can't get mad at him for that. I just hate feeling so incredibly happy and content just to have the rug pulled out from underneath me about every two days.
Sometimes in my frustration, I feel used. Either I'm listening to him or compromising on what I want for what he wants. Then if I think about what I compromised, it's a better decision than one I would have made on my own. He is definitely more spiritual than I am. I think that's natural though, because all pre-mission guys are terrified of distractions, especially relationships, no matter if it is three months or two years away like him. The worst part is that I am the distraction. For that I feel awful. Were he older, things would be different. And how I wish they could be.
Then again, I think what I want makes me selfish.
5.13.2010
oye...
The last couple of months, actually, the last year has been rough between my mom and I. We haven't been getting along near as much as we used to in the past. There is some kind of rift that has wedged itself between us. It's source is unknown, but several theories exist. Personally, I am going a bit crazy inside and I lash out most easily at my parents. My parents, at the same time, are going through their own stresses and therefore we are toxic to each other. Don't get the wrong idea -- I love my parents so incredibly much and have so much gratitude for everything they give me. But we have been butting heads a lot lately.
About a week and a half ago, after a bad 48 hours of constant bickering/arguing, my mom approached me and calmly reconciled our spat. She said that maybe it was time for me to get out of here and be on my own. It was then that she told me she spoke with Brooke and the idea of me moving to Florida to live with her came about. I would love that more than anything. I spoke to my dad about it a couple days later and now I have the full support of both my parents. The only thing holding me back is the question of where I will find money for school. I've applied to Santa Fe College in Gainesville, but they don't seem to have many scholarships. There's some digging that needs to be done if I'm going to make it happen. And I'm going to make it happen.
I guess when I sit down and type my guts out, I feel better. I do now, despite the fact that my mom and I, yet again, began to argue when I came home from work. I love her, I really do. But for crying out loud, we need some time apart so we can miss each other. Really.
About a week and a half ago, after a bad 48 hours of constant bickering/arguing, my mom approached me and calmly reconciled our spat. She said that maybe it was time for me to get out of here and be on my own. It was then that she told me she spoke with Brooke and the idea of me moving to Florida to live with her came about. I would love that more than anything. I spoke to my dad about it a couple days later and now I have the full support of both my parents. The only thing holding me back is the question of where I will find money for school. I've applied to Santa Fe College in Gainesville, but they don't seem to have many scholarships. There's some digging that needs to be done if I'm going to make it happen. And I'm going to make it happen.
I guess when I sit down and type my guts out, I feel better. I do now, despite the fact that my mom and I, yet again, began to argue when I came home from work. I love her, I really do. But for crying out loud, we need some time apart so we can miss each other. Really.
5.01.2010
catching up
I went to Boston last week with choir. Man, that was a blast. We performed in the Heritage Festival. It wasn't a competition against other schools so much as it was to get ranked and critiqued by judges. Amphion received, to our surprise, a silver plaque, as did Ascende. I'm pretty sure everyone in Amphion felt our performance merited gold, but eh. What can you do?
To be honest, the performing was not what made the trip for me anyways. I got to hang out in one of the most historic cities in the country, walk around, and laugh my head off with some of the funniest people I know. I took tons of photos during our four day trip, so I was a happy clam. It was a phenomenal trip, from the beautiful city to the endless inside jokes.
I decided today that I'm getting off of caffeine and soda in general. I'm not a soda fiend, but I drink it too often and not enough water. Plus, I've heard enough about the negative side affects of diet soda that I'm just like, "Hmm...maybe there's something to it." So, we'll see how it goes.
Graduation countdown -- 32 days, 23 school days.
To be honest, the performing was not what made the trip for me anyways. I got to hang out in one of the most historic cities in the country, walk around, and laugh my head off with some of the funniest people I know. I took tons of photos during our four day trip, so I was a happy clam. It was a phenomenal trip, from the beautiful city to the endless inside jokes.
I decided today that I'm getting off of caffeine and soda in general. I'm not a soda fiend, but I drink it too often and not enough water. Plus, I've heard enough about the negative side affects of diet soda that I'm just like, "Hmm...maybe there's something to it." So, we'll see how it goes.
Graduation countdown -- 32 days, 23 school days.
4.18.2010
4.15.2010
anxiety
Prom is Saturday. I am freaking out. I'm legitimately doing the whole "prom" thing. To be honest, I only hoped, but didn't actually think, I would be when it came to this time. It's the sad truth and I am still in disbelief that all these ducks have lined up in a little row. I got my surgery and have a rockin' bod for my gorgeous dress, got asked by a great guy/friend, get to be "treated" (aka he pays), and dance/party it up with all my best friends my senior year. I am stoked.
The plan, as far as I know ('cause they're still figuring things out -- haha), is to go on a "super date" that includes mini-golfing, Jump Street, which is a huge warehouse with 16,000 square feet of trampoline lining the floor and walls, and then pictures, dinner in Scottsdale, and the dance at Falcon Fields Air Force Museum. Yeah? I think so.
You can bet that I will be posting pictures & lots of 'em. (:
The plan, as far as I know ('cause they're still figuring things out -- haha), is to go on a "super date" that includes mini-golfing, Jump Street, which is a huge warehouse with 16,000 square feet of trampoline lining the floor and walls, and then pictures, dinner in Scottsdale, and the dance at Falcon Fields Air Force Museum. Yeah? I think so.
You can bet that I will be posting pictures & lots of 'em. (:
4.11.2010
What's Eating Alex Colby
The title of this post is in lieu of my fondness for the film What's Eating Gilbert Grape, which I made Cassie watch this afternoon. (:
Since we're on the subject of what's eating me, I'll just start rambling. The good and bad.
For starters, I got asked to prom!!! I was certain that I wouldn't be asked, but I was. And now I'm happy. The end. Hahah, just kidding. The guy who asked me is my good buddy, Zach. I was surprised because I was unaware he had split with his girlfriend. It was a welcome surprise, none-the-less. I found my dress (which has quite the story to go along with it) and my shoes. I'm all set. Our prom theme is Soar Above the Sky, a 1940s/WWII sort of thing. It's being held inside of an airplane hangar at an AirForce museum somewhere in Mesa. I'm excited! Finger waves! :D
Alright, something else. I don't understand why some guys just love to play games. They play "stupid", "I DGAFrick", etc. One of my last relationships didn't quite end clearly and he keeps coming in and out of the picture. Frustrates me to no end. He doesn't make the effort to talk to me, see how I'm doing, etc. unless he needs something in return. No, I don't want to be the one to initiate our convos because I am the girl and I am awesome at making myself look clingy and am, therefore, avoiding being the initiator.
My compression garment is eating me. It sucks to be strapped into all this post-op garb, but eh. I suppose I can't complain because I am happy with what I am seeing so far. I am fantastically colored with bruises from yellow to black and everything in between. Swollen, too. It's grand. Four and a half more weeks til I can take this sucker off. Hallelujah.
I'm getting sleepy now. I think I ought to go to bed.
Since we're on the subject of what's eating me, I'll just start rambling. The good and bad.
For starters, I got asked to prom!!! I was certain that I wouldn't be asked, but I was. And now I'm happy. The end. Hahah, just kidding. The guy who asked me is my good buddy, Zach. I was surprised because I was unaware he had split with his girlfriend. It was a welcome surprise, none-the-less. I found my dress (which has quite the story to go along with it) and my shoes. I'm all set. Our prom theme is Soar Above the Sky, a 1940s/WWII sort of thing. It's being held inside of an airplane hangar at an AirForce museum somewhere in Mesa. I'm excited! Finger waves! :D
Alright, something else. I don't understand why some guys just love to play games. They play "stupid", "I DGAFrick", etc. One of my last relationships didn't quite end clearly and he keeps coming in and out of the picture. Frustrates me to no end. He doesn't make the effort to talk to me, see how I'm doing, etc. unless he needs something in return. No, I don't want to be the one to initiate our convos because I am the girl and I am awesome at making myself look clingy and am, therefore, avoiding being the initiator.
My compression garment is eating me. It sucks to be strapped into all this post-op garb, but eh. I suppose I can't complain because I am happy with what I am seeing so far. I am fantastically colored with bruises from yellow to black and everything in between. Swollen, too. It's grand. Four and a half more weeks til I can take this sucker off. Hallelujah.
I'm getting sleepy now. I think I ought to go to bed.
4.06.2010
daddy's little girl.
Late in the afternoon, I had finished watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith when I got up to use the bathroom. I discovered it was "that time". I took off my clothes and compression garment and decided to throw a load of clothes into the wash with them while I showered. Wrapped in a towel, I put all the clothes into the machine. My ears began to ring, vision became blurry, and I became lightheaded. I yelled for Brig to get me my soda and some crackers as I sat on the floor in the laundry room. This had happened a couple times the first day of surgery, so I figured it would pass as it had before.
I got up and the wooziness wouldn't go away and I became sick to my stomach. Then the cramps kicked in. I walked into my own bathroom and sat on the toilet. Nothing helped. I layed on the rug in front of my shower just waiting for it all to leave. I had grabbed my phone in case I came near to passing out.
Feeling it was close by, I called my mom and began to cry in despair as I told her what was going on. She called my dad who happened to be pulling in the driveway. I heard my dad enter my room and knock on the bathroom door, "Alex?" I called him in, still crying. "Honey, it's okay. It's okay. Shh, shh." as he covered me with more towels and propped my feet up on the toilet. I felt terribly embarassed, being 18, wrapped in a towel, shower running, lying on the floor in horrible girl pain. I covered my face with my hands and cried. He knelt next to me and ran his hand over my hair to calm me down. "It's okay. You just went into a little shock," he explained, "all the blood rushed away from your brain. Your brain couldn't get oxygen; that's why you were going to pass out. But it's okay now, you don't need to cry." My dad gently pulled my hands away from my face and wiped off my tears. "It's okay."
In all my life, I can only recall a handful of moments like this between me and my dad. As stupid and ridiculous as I felt lying on the floor with terrible cramps, near fainting, and hideously bruised from surgery, I knew my dad loved me. No matter what I do, how perfect or not, he will always love me and be there for me. Though the way in which I learned today was not at all pleasant, I would go through hell and back to know my dad would be there for me.
I got up and the wooziness wouldn't go away and I became sick to my stomach. Then the cramps kicked in. I walked into my own bathroom and sat on the toilet. Nothing helped. I layed on the rug in front of my shower just waiting for it all to leave. I had grabbed my phone in case I came near to passing out.
Feeling it was close by, I called my mom and began to cry in despair as I told her what was going on. She called my dad who happened to be pulling in the driveway. I heard my dad enter my room and knock on the bathroom door, "Alex?" I called him in, still crying. "Honey, it's okay. It's okay. Shh, shh." as he covered me with more towels and propped my feet up on the toilet. I felt terribly embarassed, being 18, wrapped in a towel, shower running, lying on the floor in horrible girl pain. I covered my face with my hands and cried. He knelt next to me and ran his hand over my hair to calm me down. "It's okay. You just went into a little shock," he explained, "all the blood rushed away from your brain. Your brain couldn't get oxygen; that's why you were going to pass out. But it's okay now, you don't need to cry." My dad gently pulled my hands away from my face and wiped off my tears. "It's okay."
In all my life, I can only recall a handful of moments like this between me and my dad. As stupid and ridiculous as I felt lying on the floor with terrible cramps, near fainting, and hideously bruised from surgery, I knew my dad loved me. No matter what I do, how perfect or not, he will always love me and be there for me. Though the way in which I learned today was not at all pleasant, I would go through hell and back to know my dad would be there for me.
4.03.2010
swollen
Sorry if you get easily grossed out. But surgery's not pretty. (:
April 1st -- surgery went smoothly. I don't think I'm afraid of being nude in front of doctors anymore, or my mom. At least she can vouch that she saw the "before" and that it was money well spent. Anesthesia is an experience in and of itself. The nurse and anesthetist asked me, "So, where you going to go on vacation in a minute?" I managed to slur out, "Georgia...to visit...my..aunt.." and was gone. Next thing I know, I am waking up and disoriented. I can feel my body being shoved around as the nurses applied my gauze and strapped me into my compression garment. "We're all done, Alex." Huh??? It felt like no time had passed. My mom walked in from behind the curtain and then I realized I was finished. The big event had come and gone in no time.
On our way home, Mom had to drop a couple things off at the salon. Everyone inside knew that I was having my procedures done and they all came out to see me in my post-op glory. It was a cute moment. The rest of the day, I stayed knocked out on my medications and only got up to use the restroom. Man, I have never realized what a huge ordeal it was to be able to pee. Seriously. I had to talk my body into relaxing every time I walked into the bathroom. Sleep came relatively easy to me; Mom slept by my side the first night to help me do everything. Literally everything. I couldn't sit up, roll over, stand, scoot, nothing. The incisions from surgery were a mess to keep up after, too. Constantly leaking fluid. I'm super thankful for her willingness to help me. I kept apologizing for asking for help every two seconds. She's the best mom.
April 2nd -- had my post-op exam. The doc had me remove my compression garment and all the gauze and padding all over my body. My legs were covered in splotches of blue, purple, and black. Swollen everywhere. I could see the beginnings of my new legs shape. Hooray! My doctor said I was moving around pretty well for it having only been 24 hours. At home, I walked around to keep circulation going in my legs but getting up is a pain. I enjoyed the few hours of napping I was allowed. My instructions were to stay awake as much as possible.
Today has definitely been the best so far, naturally. I can tell that I'm super bloated and swollen still, but the drainage has decreased to almost nothing -- just one little sucker on the back of my calf is still on/off (gross! ;P ) I got to shower finally, another hooray(!), which felt amazing. Cassie came and visited me. I told her all the gross and embarassing details, which she stomached as best as a Cassie champ could. Hahahah. I'm wrapped up from top to toes in my compression garment and trying to keep my legs elevated at every chance possible. My calves will take the longest to heal as gravity and walking force everything downward. I'm off my narcotic, which means I can drive. I was worried that I'd have a glimpse at why people become addicted to narcotics like hydrocodone and vicodin. Fortunately, it just curbed the pain, nothing more.
Now that I've documented the biggest event thus far in my life, I will go back to chilling in front of the TV. Comment if you wish. (:
3.24.2010
one week.
Random note -- it's 11:11. I made a wish.
My surgery is in seven days. My consultation was 21 days ago but it literally feels like it was last week.
I have two women in my life that I will call my "elder sisters". Their words of wisdom have meant a lot in the last couple weeks. The surgery is not a little thing; it's a pretty huge deal. Yeah, I will look better, to my own eyes at least. Maybe I'll feel better about myself. But as one of my wise elder sisters turned to me the other day, she looked me straight in the face and said, "I fully support you, but this will not get rid of any craziness going on in here", gesturing towards herself. It hadn't occurred to me, but she is right. I hadn't thought about it because my main thoughts have been on my outward appearance, not on my inner feelings. Both of these women have helped me realize that as strong of a person as I am, I have to rely on my Heavenly Father for strength. I have to.
My surgery is in seven days. My consultation was 21 days ago but it literally feels like it was last week.
I have two women in my life that I will call my "elder sisters". Their words of wisdom have meant a lot in the last couple weeks. The surgery is not a little thing; it's a pretty huge deal. Yeah, I will look better, to my own eyes at least. Maybe I'll feel better about myself. But as one of my wise elder sisters turned to me the other day, she looked me straight in the face and said, "I fully support you, but this will not get rid of any craziness going on in here", gesturing towards herself. It hadn't occurred to me, but she is right. I hadn't thought about it because my main thoughts have been on my outward appearance, not on my inner feelings. Both of these women have helped me realize that as strong of a person as I am, I have to rely on my Heavenly Father for strength. I have to.
#128
Look for angles today: 90s, 45s, or any other combination of angles that make an interesting composition.
#127
Set an alarm for a random time today. Any time. When it goes off, pick up your camera and find a photo near where you are.
Tools of my trade @ work.
Tools of my trade @ work.
#126
Sunday challenge: It's a new season (Spring up north, Fall down south). Make a photograph that illustrates the change
#126
Sunday challenge: It's a new season (Spring up north, Fall down south). Make a photograph that illustrates the change
3.21.2010
Daily Shoot #125
Liquids can be still and reflective or in motion and chaotic. Make a photograph of something liquid today.
@ Tempe Beach Park after work.
no edits//shot as seen.
@ Tempe Beach Park after work.
no edits//shot as seen.
3.20.2010
#124
Change your angle today. Make a photo from 1' (30 cm) off the ground and post it.
My wittle baby, Jasper. <3
My wittle baby, Jasper. <3
3.18.2010
#123
Find something that's so old it's almost timeless and make a photograph of it.
Kyle's longboard. (:
Kyle's longboard. (:
3.17.2010
Daily Shoot #122
Grab your camera and walk 2 minutes in any direction. Stop. Find a photo worth making from where you stopped and post it.
I walked down my street with my little brother. There are no street lights; the only source of lights are the mailboxes.
I walked down my street with my little brother. There are no street lights; the only source of lights are the mailboxes.
Daily Shoot #121
Today's theme is "3". Make a photograph that features the number itself or otherwise represents 3 items.
Spencer treated me to Alice in Wonderland in 3D.
Spencer treated me to Alice in Wonderland in 3D.
3.16.2010
1, 2, 3, break.
Spring break, thank goodness, is here.
Thus far, I have worked and caught up on movies that I've missed. I just finished watching The Proposal, last night The Time Traveler's Wife, night before that Star Trek, and before that Public Enemies. I'd say I've covered a good variety of genres...romantic comedy, drama, sci-fi, thriller/gangster. At least I'm not bored. I always love a good film.
I started participating in Daily Shoot (http://www.dailyshoot.com) today. It's a photography project that presents you with a new theme every day and you're supposed to fulfill the theme by taking a photo and uploading it. The idea is to gain more experience and train your eye to look at things differently. It's a fun challenge; I've been looking at previous challenges. I am also doing a 365 project (http://www.365project.org) in conjunction with DS. 365PJ is simply to take a photo every day to document your life. Some people just do their faces, others just snap a photo wherever they are. I'm opting for the latter. I'd get tired of seeing my face every day.
To keep track of my photos, I created a Flickr account. Flickr is basically a place to create online photo albums for storage and sharing with other people. If you'd like, you can view mine at http://www.flickr.com/photos/playalex . There isn't much on there at all, at the moment, but it will gradually increase. Hopefully.
I have my pre-op in about 12 hours. The big day is around the corner -- 16 days. Just sixteen.
Thus far, I have worked and caught up on movies that I've missed. I just finished watching The Proposal, last night The Time Traveler's Wife, night before that Star Trek, and before that Public Enemies. I'd say I've covered a good variety of genres...romantic comedy, drama, sci-fi, thriller/gangster. At least I'm not bored. I always love a good film.
I started participating in Daily Shoot (http://www.dailyshoot.com) today. It's a photography project that presents you with a new theme every day and you're supposed to fulfill the theme by taking a photo and uploading it. The idea is to gain more experience and train your eye to look at things differently. It's a fun challenge; I've been looking at previous challenges. I am also doing a 365 project (http://www.365project.org) in conjunction with DS. 365PJ is simply to take a photo every day to document your life. Some people just do their faces, others just snap a photo wherever they are. I'm opting for the latter. I'd get tired of seeing my face every day.
To keep track of my photos, I created a Flickr account. Flickr is basically a place to create online photo albums for storage and sharing with other people. If you'd like, you can view mine at http://www.flickr.com/photos/playalex . There isn't much on there at all, at the moment, but it will gradually increase. Hopefully.
I have my pre-op in about 12 hours. The big day is around the corner -- 16 days. Just sixteen.
3.14.2010
3.13.2010
3.11.2010
having a hard time
I've been dying to write in here for the last week or so, but my days have seemed busier than I can ever recall. This is likely to be a venting-post. You've been warned.
I talk about change all the time. All. the. time. To be honest, nothing that cool ever really happens. But, in 20 days, I am guaranteed a change, one that I will be grateful for and indebted to my parents for the rest of my life. It's a personal thing and I don't know who reads my blog, if anyone (most likely), so I don't want to reveal anything. Anyways-- knowing what I'm in for has made me so antcy and impatient. I've lived like this my entire life, for as long as I can remember. Now the change, one of my biggest wishes, is right in front of me. I am terrified.
Since the beginning of my social life, I have always been best friends with guys. I wouldn't change that for anything. I love being around my guy friends and I feel infinitely blessed to have found my long-lost brothers. Twins, Jake, Stephen, Zach, Dylan, Kason... I love them beyond words. Not many girls are lucky as I am to be able to talk to these guys the way I can. To have them come to me for advice, say they are freaking out because they don't understand girls, etc. The really crappy thing? I am an "inbetween". The girl everyone loves to be friends with, but doesn't want to date. I think they forget that I'm a girl. I would love, just as much as any other, to be complimented, asked on a date, considered. While they come to me asking for help with prom, I am happy to help. When left to my own devices, I realize that I am not going to be asked. Like always. They have always been the only guys I can imagine knowing me well enough to be comfortable taking me places. I think what I'm getting at is that I am sad thinking about having another school dance come and go, even stupid prom, without having someone think of me and say, "Hmm... I want to go with Alex. She's awesome." This has always been the case, though this year's homecoming was an exception to the "I've never been asked". But whatever.
I'm so emotional. I miss relationships terribly, especially the physical-emotional connection. If I could roll my own eyes at myself, I would. I just think back on relationships I've been a part of and, though the person is not the same to me any more, I miss the feelings, the rushing, glazed-over-with-happiness expressions. Badly. And I've decided my middle name should be "Jumps the Gun". Alex "Jumps the Gun" C. Definitely has a ring to it.
I talk about change all the time. All. the. time. To be honest, nothing that cool ever really happens. But, in 20 days, I am guaranteed a change, one that I will be grateful for and indebted to my parents for the rest of my life. It's a personal thing and I don't know who reads my blog, if anyone (most likely), so I don't want to reveal anything. Anyways-- knowing what I'm in for has made me so antcy and impatient. I've lived like this my entire life, for as long as I can remember. Now the change, one of my biggest wishes, is right in front of me. I am terrified.
Since the beginning of my social life, I have always been best friends with guys. I wouldn't change that for anything. I love being around my guy friends and I feel infinitely blessed to have found my long-lost brothers. Twins, Jake, Stephen, Zach, Dylan, Kason... I love them beyond words. Not many girls are lucky as I am to be able to talk to these guys the way I can. To have them come to me for advice, say they are freaking out because they don't understand girls, etc. The really crappy thing? I am an "inbetween". The girl everyone loves to be friends with, but doesn't want to date. I think they forget that I'm a girl. I would love, just as much as any other, to be complimented, asked on a date, considered. While they come to me asking for help with prom, I am happy to help. When left to my own devices, I realize that I am not going to be asked. Like always. They have always been the only guys I can imagine knowing me well enough to be comfortable taking me places. I think what I'm getting at is that I am sad thinking about having another school dance come and go, even stupid prom, without having someone think of me and say, "Hmm... I want to go with Alex. She's awesome." This has always been the case, though this year's homecoming was an exception to the "I've never been asked". But whatever.
I'm so emotional. I miss relationships terribly, especially the physical-emotional connection. If I could roll my own eyes at myself, I would. I just think back on relationships I've been a part of and, though the person is not the same to me any more, I miss the feelings, the rushing, glazed-over-with-happiness expressions. Badly. And I've decided my middle name should be "Jumps the Gun". Alex "Jumps the Gun" C. Definitely has a ring to it.
2.28.2010
float on
I'm really digging this weather. Arizona is known for the hot and sunny days, but my favorite ones are the gray, rain drizzled ones. It is probably the opposite for people in rainy cities like Seattle. The rain is a welcome change from the norm for me. I get all nostalgic and thoughtful, it's almost cheesy. Or maybe it just is.
Spring break is a couple weeks away. No plans as of right now. I was hoping that I would have cash and good reason to spend said cash on a flight to Georgia, but I can't justify it at the moment. I wish I could. Plus, everyone and their mother buys plane tickets for spring break and the prices skyrocket around this time.
Graduation is around the corner -- three months. Three more months and I'll be done with this chapter of my life, the living-at-home, periods 0-5 school days, predictable Monday through Friday weeks, same-people-same-everything, life. I had an interview with my bishop today just to catch up, see what my plans were, where I was at, etc. He said something at the end of our meeting that stood out to me, though I had heard it many times before. What he said was, "It's an exciting time to be alive." That's the truth. Right now, it's not too thrilling, nor does the future promise thrills, but certainly change. Certainly change.
Spring break is a couple weeks away. No plans as of right now. I was hoping that I would have cash and good reason to spend said cash on a flight to Georgia, but I can't justify it at the moment. I wish I could. Plus, everyone and their mother buys plane tickets for spring break and the prices skyrocket around this time.
Graduation is around the corner -- three months. Three more months and I'll be done with this chapter of my life, the living-at-home, periods 0-5 school days, predictable Monday through Friday weeks, same-people-same-everything, life. I had an interview with my bishop today just to catch up, see what my plans were, where I was at, etc. He said something at the end of our meeting that stood out to me, though I had heard it many times before. What he said was, "It's an exciting time to be alive." That's the truth. Right now, it's not too thrilling, nor does the future promise thrills, but certainly change. Certainly change.
2.25.2010
2.14.2010
sing for your supper tour.
Tonight was the FUN/Jack's Mannequin concert at Marquee Theatre in Tempe. Needless to say, but I will anyways, the show was incredible. I've always had a deep love for Andrew McMahon's music -- way back since the beginnings of Something Corporate. He being a pianist, cancer survivor, musician, artist, is so compelling. I saw him perform in 8th grade right after Everything in Transit was released. Since then, they released their sophomore album, The Glass Passenger. This tour was the close-up to Passenger before taking a break and heading back into the studio.
Somehow, I managed to make my way up to the front of the crowd. My friends were already there, but being short, they pushed me forward. I was mere feet from the stage, staring right up at one of my musical inspirations. He had such stage presence, such passion for every word that left his mouth. I loved every second. I wish I could re-live the experience. I'm attatching a video that was part of the show. His energy was infectious -- just check out the vid. The audio is poor (taped it from my phone), but watch it all the way through. Andrew is the definition of B.A.
Somehow, I managed to make my way up to the front of the crowd. My friends were already there, but being short, they pushed me forward. I was mere feet from the stage, staring right up at one of my musical inspirations. He had such stage presence, such passion for every word that left his mouth. I loved every second. I wish I could re-live the experience. I'm attatching a video that was part of the show. His energy was infectious -- just check out the vid. The audio is poor (taped it from my phone), but watch it all the way through. Andrew is the definition of B.A.
2.07.2010
does it matter?
Dad called me out today in church. I wasn't going to go to church today. I wanted to just chill at home in the quiet -- no TV, music, nothing. I thought of writing letters, cleaning my room, meditating. But apparently that wasn't a good reason as my dad came home and told me that I needed to be at church. As much as I begrudgingly listened to his lecture, and he was by no means yelling or upset, I am glad he came and got me. What I didn't like was that when he got up to bear his testimony, he closed it with the note that he was glad to see I had come to church, that he had gone home to get me, and was proud of me for deciding to come. I love my dad and I get that was his way of showing his love for me, but dang it. I didn't want all the "I'm-glad-you-came-today"s that followed Sacrament meeting. I still haven't written the letter I intended to. It's a debate. One thing about myself is that I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeve. I'll open up to just about anyone willing to listen. I've learned from experience, not to give every piece of information and thought because people tend to freak out if you are that honest with them. The conversation goes from being a heart-to-heart to a bunch of " :/ I'm sorry." which means nothing. That is what is keeping me from this letter. I have been holding a grudge for a few months that I need to let go of. In my ideal, the letter would be a way for me to clear the air without having it be awkward. We'll see. I don't know.
Regardless of how lonely I feel, of how tired I am of the people in school or wherever I am, I am thankful for this girl.
She loves me...and somebody has to love her, right? (;water night.
Night with the eyes of a horse that trembles in the night,night with eyes of water in the field asleep
is in your eyes, a horse that trembles,
is in your eyes of secret water.
Eyes of shadow-water,
eyes of well-water,
eyes of dream-water.
Silence and solitude,
two little animals moon-led,
drink in your eyes,
drink in those waters.
If you open your eyes,
night opens, doors of musk,
the secret kingdom of the water opens
flowing from the center of night.
And if you close your eyes,
a river fills you from within,
flows foward, darkens you:
night brings its wetness to the beaches in your soul.
The original version of this poem is in Spanish; it is called Agua Nocturna. This poem has become the lyrics for my current favorite song, Water Night by Eric Whitacre.
Last Saturday, I auditioned for Regional Choir. I selected my solo for the audition way back in November, a German Brahms piece titled Wie Melodien. It took a while, but it grew on me and I loved it by the time the audition came around. I made it into regionals, which I am ecstatic about. Not only did I make it in, but I had a personal best this year. I scored 87 out of 100 points, ranking me #10 of the 25 altos selected for the choir. My solo alone was a 58 out of 60, which I feel is certainly worth being proud of.
What does this have to do with Water Night? It is one of the pieces for our performance. I opened up the manila envelope with the clinician's music selections and was thrilled when I pulled it out. Listening to it is an ethereal experience. Being a part of it...that will be something entirely different.
2.06.2010
Things I Learned from Watching Dear John:
- Channing Tatum is the man. Oooh, so fine.
- The film is never better than the book.
- Cassie is much more patient than I give her credit for.
- My husband will be worth the wait.
1.29.2010
lesson learned.
Today was my first Friday without my sixth hour stats class, which I dropped on Monday, and I was headed home at 11:30 AM. I went in through the backyard, greeted by Blue and Red then noticed something in the pool. At first glance, it looked like a brown dog toy, then I realized it was an animal. A bird? No. For a second I thought it was my kitten, Jasper. After a moment of inner panic, I went a bit closer. It was a rabbit. A rabbit had drowned in my pool.
Since I was a kid, I have always had a soft spot for animals. Seeing the little creature floating, frozen in place, brought me a wave of emotions I had from when I dreamed of being a veterinarian. The whole experience sounds pathetic, but this little life-and-death reality check struck me. I took a shovel and gently lifted the rabbit from the water and sat it on the ground. For the longest time, I just sat and stared at it.
The essence of life, the part that involves the whole beating heart, breathing, and so on, fascinates me. Unless you are a doctor, it isn't often that we are confronted with death. The rabbit was gone. I was staring at what was once a rabbit. It looked like a rabbit, but it wasn't a rabbit anymore. I had a similar experience last April when my friend, Thomas, died in a car accident. The service was open-casket and I had never seen a deceased person before. It was all the more powerful of an experience because I knew well the picture of Thomas in my memory. What was inside the casket was not my friend; it was the means through which my friend lived his life.
My point that I want to get at is this: here-and-now has no guarantees; we don't know when our last breath will be. Everything in life, all of it, can all come to a screeching halt in the instant of a collision under the influence, the moment of unknowingly fall into depths you cannot escape, or hopefully while lying in bed, having lived and loved, with no regrets and the knowledge of not having wasted a single moment.
1.18.2010
Craving
I wish I could travel, see the world, explore. I've seen photos of friends and family in Europe, Asia, South America...oh, I would love to go out of the country. One day I will. I want to see the castles of Germany, the buildings of Prague, the Great Wall of China, the rainforests of South America, the pyramids of Egypt. I would love it all.
I'll keep a count of how much weight I've lost on the bottom of all my posts. Today is day one of weight loss: I'm -5.0 lbs since yesterday. Amazing, right? We'll see if it continues.
I'll keep a count of how much weight I've lost on the bottom of all my posts. Today is day one of weight loss: I'm -5.0 lbs since yesterday. Amazing, right? We'll see if it continues.
1.17.2010
Day 1
Surprise, surprise...I'm hungry. Haha, alright so I started hCG dealio today and it wasn't as hard to control myself as I thought it would be (knock on wood). I went to the store and loaded up on fruits & veggies and my main source of protein is tilapia. Three ounces of protein is a lot less than I expected. It never occurred to me how much people actually eat in a given day. Today I had a piece of Melba toast (it's like a cracker), a handful of snap peas, a tomato, two apples, 6 oz. of tilapia, and loads of water/herbal tea. This will definitely take some getting used to. What I'm looking forward to is weighing myself in the morning... (:
Here are some photos I thought I'd throw in from the other night with my girls.
1.15.2010
Oh, good grief.
Tonight was fantastic. I had my first "girl" night in ever. It was a legitimate girl night. Cassie, Melissa, Haley, and I went to Chase H.'s wedding ceremony and reception. To my surprise, I cried through the whole ceremony. We then proceeded to go to Los Favoritos for chimichangas and found our main source of entertainment in the 50 cent moustache machine. Haley needed paint for her room and so we went to Lowe's then headed to the wedding reception and just chilled. Well, they chilled while I snapped photos. Went to Bashas' and rented The Ugly Truth. Super funny movie; I loved it. I had a blast tonight. Here's to tonight, just a snippet of one of Haley's endless, came-home-plastered stories:"I lose stuff all the time. You have no idea. I can't tell you how many shoes I've lost. One time, my dad came in the morning after and said, 'I found your shoe on the driveway...Do you have your other one?' 'Hee hee. Yeaaah.' '...really?' 'Pshhh. Nahhh. I don't have the other one...'"
a time for change
I started my new diet routine today. I'm actually following a clinical plan that is used by doctors. The first two days are binging days; I have to eat so much crap food so that I have fuel for my body to feed off of for the 40 harshest days of the diet. It's a really interesting plan with a year or more weight loss retentionof 60-70%. Sounds like a deal to me.
Random thing today that peeved me off. I don't get easily peeved, but this sent me in my car fuming the whole drive home from school. I pulled out of my parking spot with my MUSE blasting, windows down, sunroof back, happy to be out on this lovely Friday afternoon. I turned at the stop sign in the student parking lot and halfway down the lanes that lead to the stoplight to get onto the main road, I see this kid walking across the lanes to the other side. Naturally I slowed down to a stop so he could cross but he walks right in front of my car and sticks his hand out like a stop sign and just stares at me, holding his hand out and giving me the dirtiest look as he walked in front of me. Stupid jerk. You're in the middle of the freaking road and you came out of nowhere. Ugh.
This weekend is going to be a fast one. Tonight is my friend Chase's wedding and reception. I was invited to the actual wedding ceremony, which I've never been to before so I am excited to experience that. Tomorrow I have a church meeting at my YW leader's house at 7AM. I work at the salon from 10AM and am getting off early at 4PM because I have a choir concert in a retirement community at 5:30 PM. After that, I have to go sell raffle tickets for choir fundraiser at the mall until 9PM. Holy crap. Hopefully Sunday will be restful, right?
Random thing today that peeved me off. I don't get easily peeved, but this sent me in my car fuming the whole drive home from school. I pulled out of my parking spot with my MUSE blasting, windows down, sunroof back, happy to be out on this lovely Friday afternoon. I turned at the stop sign in the student parking lot and halfway down the lanes that lead to the stoplight to get onto the main road, I see this kid walking across the lanes to the other side. Naturally I slowed down to a stop so he could cross but he walks right in front of my car and sticks his hand out like a stop sign and just stares at me, holding his hand out and giving me the dirtiest look as he walked in front of me. Stupid jerk. You're in the middle of the freaking road and you came out of nowhere. Ugh.
This weekend is going to be a fast one. Tonight is my friend Chase's wedding and reception. I was invited to the actual wedding ceremony, which I've never been to before so I am excited to experience that. Tomorrow I have a church meeting at my YW leader's house at 7AM. I work at the salon from 10AM and am getting off early at 4PM because I have a choir concert in a retirement community at 5:30 PM. After that, I have to go sell raffle tickets for choir fundraiser at the mall until 9PM. Holy crap. Hopefully Sunday will be restful, right?
1.14.2010
Dear John,
didn't happen.Tonight, Cassie and I had advanced screening tickets to see Dear John which releases on Feb. 5. She and I were so excited; I had bought her the book for Christmas and she actually read it. So, both of us took off work and headed to the theater. Upon arriving, we saw Chels and Elaine sitting on the curb waiting for us. The first thing Chels says to me is, "Dear John is cancelled." What? ... It was some political BS that some guy had paid to rent out the theater at the same time so they had to postpone it to a later date. As more people showed up (we were over an hour early), the crowd of us were complaining to guest services. They told us that there would be compensation in the form of another ticket to a free pre-screening coming at 6 pm for the later date of D.J. We all got another ticket for the 26th and a mini-movie poster (nice touch, Harkins).
Having driven all the way out to Chandler, we decided might as well go see a movie anyways and decided on Nine. I had seen a clip of a preview of the movie and it reminded me of one of my favorite films, Chicago. Fast forward >> An hour into the movie, I was sitting wondering why I was there, what was going on, and why I felt like I was watching a movie that was definitely not PG13, nor anywhere near as good as Chicago. Never had I felt so much distaste towards a movie. In my head, I was constantly saying, "I've never walked out of a movie. Would this be the first?" I leaned over to Cass and whispered, "Are you liking this movie?" and she shook her head. I turned to Chels and informed her that Cassie and I were not enjoying the movie and we'd see her later.
Guest Services was happy to exchange our tickets for cash or another movie and so...we tried Leap Year. As it is said, third time is the charm and the LY certainly lived up to my expectations. It was very entertaining, charming, beautifully filmed in a gorgeous location, and I had lots of laughs. Cass and I finished up after the movie by filming ourselves in the Harkins game arcade on motorcycles and DDR to send to Cameron.
It was an adventure, to be sure. We had fun. Tomorrow's Friday. Hal-le-lu-jah.
1.13.2010
maiden post
I'm having a difficult time deviating from my tumblr (former blog @ http://playalex.tumblr.com) that I had for...a couple years(?), but it seems that if I want to be interconnected with family and such that I ought to have a blogger. But I will revert right back to my tumblr if blogger falls short of my expectations. Right now, I am just giving this a shot.
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