Not Like The Movies - Katy Perry

I felt like posting these lyrics because they sum up my feelings as of late. You should really listen to the song if you haven't heard it before -- it's quite beautiful. //

He put it on me, I put it on,
Like there was nothing wrong.
It didn't fit,
It wasn't right.
Wasn't just the size.
They say you know,
When you know.
I don't know.

I didn't feel
The fairytale feeling, no.
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could.

If it's not like the movies,

That's how it should be, yeah.
When he's the one,
I'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning
And that's just the beginning, yeah.

Snow White said when I was young,
"One day my prince will come."
So I wait for that date.
They say it's hard to meet your match,
Find my better half.
So we make perfect shapes.

If stars don't align,
If it doesn't stop time,
If you cant see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
Worth every penny you spent.
He'll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences.

If it's not like the movies,
That's how it should be.
When he's the one,
He'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning,
And that's just the beginning.

'Cause I know you're out there,
And your, your love came for me.
It's a crazy idea that you were made,
Perfectly for me you'll see.

Just like the movies.
That's how it will be.
Cinematic and dramatic
With the perfect ending.
It's not like the movies,
But that's how it will be.
When he's the one,
You'll come undone,
And your world will stop spinning,
And it's just the beginning.

last-second checklist.

• Do laundry
• Re-pack my stuff.
• Retake the math placement exam.
• Study for music theory placement exam.
• Buy new notebooks for classes
• Get paid for work.
• Leave without strings attached to "boy" (yeah...that's how I'll say it).
• ^ figure out how to do that.

A Different Tune

So, after I wrote my last post, a lot changed. I basically had a wake-up call, a huge reality check.

This thing that I'm going through, I knew from the beginning that it would be extremely unlikely for me to be able to handle it on my own. So, I went to my Yoda: aunt Brooke. She just gets me. I don't know how long we talked for, but I spilled my guts about everything that has been going on for a while. I was as honest with her as I could be with myself. Half the time, I was just talking so I could talk myself through it. Have you ever had that weird feeling that comes from vocalizing the scary and vulnerable thoughts in your head? Where you just feel like you just threw all of your insides on to a table for anyone who walks by to just check out? Okay, that sounds weird, too. But I think you understand.
Anyways, Brooke was the first person that I really talked to about everything. The end result of it was that I just knew I had some self-reflecting to do. I needed to think about what direction I wanted to take my life in because this place was a crossroads. I had to decide which way to go.
The next morning, I was woken up to another phone call from Brooke. "Alie, you know I haven't stopped thinking about you since yesterday. I was being a coward." And she proceeded to tell me that I needed to change because (and I'm paraphrasing), I didn't have time to waste messing around and trying out a different lifestyle. Unless that was what I wanted. But she knew, and more importantly I knew that the "alternative" was not something I wanted in the long run. I got off the phone with her, went in my closet, got to my knees, and prayed. And cried.
Long story short, I know I'm singing a different tune than I was last post, even than I have been from the last several months. Truth is, I have always cared and always will care about my spirituality and my relationship with God. I'm not saying that I have flipped a 180 or anything, but I am desiring to make a change because the Alex that I am right now is not an Alex that I am at peace with. I can be so much better than this. I am going to be better because I feel better is right for me.

"I have a time machine, but it only goes forward at regular speed. It's basically a cardboard box that I wrote 'Time Machine' on in Sharpie."

I don't know how to feel right now. I'm stuck in limbo. I don't know what I want or what to do with myself. Or my life. I'm not the person I was before. Even a week ago I was in a different place with myself. Three hours ago, I was a different person. From this point, I have to choose which direction I want to go next. And I have no idea which direction I want to go. I know where I should go. It is a difficult, very difficult path, that promises happiness at the end. I know somewhere in my heart that I want that happiness that comes only by following that path. But right now, I don't sincerely desire it. That both saddens and scares me. Either way I go, I am afraid.