A Different Tune

So, after I wrote my last post, a lot changed. I basically had a wake-up call, a huge reality check.

This thing that I'm going through, I knew from the beginning that it would be extremely unlikely for me to be able to handle it on my own. So, I went to my Yoda: aunt Brooke. She just gets me. I don't know how long we talked for, but I spilled my guts about everything that has been going on for a while. I was as honest with her as I could be with myself. Half the time, I was just talking so I could talk myself through it. Have you ever had that weird feeling that comes from vocalizing the scary and vulnerable thoughts in your head? Where you just feel like you just threw all of your insides on to a table for anyone who walks by to just check out? Okay, that sounds weird, too. But I think you understand.
Anyways, Brooke was the first person that I really talked to about everything. The end result of it was that I just knew I had some self-reflecting to do. I needed to think about what direction I wanted to take my life in because this place was a crossroads. I had to decide which way to go.
The next morning, I was woken up to another phone call from Brooke. "Alie, you know I haven't stopped thinking about you since yesterday. I was being a coward." And she proceeded to tell me that I needed to change because (and I'm paraphrasing), I didn't have time to waste messing around and trying out a different lifestyle. Unless that was what I wanted. But she knew, and more importantly I knew that the "alternative" was not something I wanted in the long run. I got off the phone with her, went in my closet, got to my knees, and prayed. And cried.
Long story short, I know I'm singing a different tune than I was last post, even than I have been from the last several months. Truth is, I have always cared and always will care about my spirituality and my relationship with God. I'm not saying that I have flipped a 180 or anything, but I am desiring to make a change because the Alex that I am right now is not an Alex that I am at peace with. I can be so much better than this. I am going to be better because I feel better is right for me.