At A Crossroads

It's nearly 1 o'clock in the morning and I have class at 8 AM. But I don't even care. I need to write.

So, last week was my 20th birthday. Feels weird saying 'twenty' now instead of '_____teen'. The week of my birthday was a busy one. I was hired to photograph a wedding in Salt Lake City for a couple that I met up here in Flag and whose engagement photos I did back in September. It didn't seem to take long for my birthday/day of driving to arrive. But it came and the five days I spent away from my current reality brought me to a crossroads.

I have been struggling here in Flag. I'm not doing well in school, in my personal life, my 'home'/housing situation, my parents are (supposedly, according to Mom) getting a divorce, and so on. This isn't a plea for pity -- just understand that there are a few weighty things on my plate and I have been stretched to my limit here. I went to Utah, thankful for any excuse to escape from what my reality has become.

The game plan was Wednesday night/Thursday with family, Friday for wedding, Saturday with Chase, leave on Sunday. That's pretty much how it went.

I arrived Wednesday night to aunt Heather's where I cleaned up, Chase came over, we all chatted, then grabbed In-N-Out for dinner. Nothing too exciting, but totally fine by me. I spent Thursday with Heather and her kids, traipsing around to do whatever, visited some more family, then everyone came over to Heather's for pizza and (belated) birthday cake. That night, I packed up and headed to Chase's apartment to stay with him.

Just to backtrack for a moment, Chase was a missionary in my home ward when I was a junior in high school. We dated long-distance when he got off his mission for several months. It had been almost two years since we had seen each other. But we had been talking again for a while and made plans for me to stay with him while I was in Utah.

So, Thursday night I spent in Chase's apartment and I had to wake up super early to go drive to the hotel where the wedding party was staying at. That morning, I did the bride + all 5 bridesmaids + mother of the bride's makeup, and then we all headed to the wedding ceremony. I could write an entirely separate post about the wedding and all. It was beautiful and I was privileged to be able to photograph it. After the wedding, I had a few hours before I had to be present at the reception, so Chase and I were treated to lunch by his best friend/co-worker at WGU. Chase ended up tagging along with me to the reception, too. It was an adorable, charming location and I am very happy with the pictures.

Saturday morning, Chase took me out to brunch at a quaint diner called Ruth's, hidden in the middle of a beautiful canyon. It was overwhelmingly picturesque. The diner itself was an original diner car on a train in the 1930s that was built on to create the diner. It embodied the quirky and whimsical nature of the 1950s décor with bright yellow walls, retro lamps that gave off a warm, golden glow, hardwood flooring, and a large photo of Ruth herself standing in front of a jukebox, cigarette hanging from her mouth, Chihuahua in her arms. Here I found myself sitting across from a familiar face, with nothing else to worry about. And outside the white paneled windows, snow was falling.

(if that didn’t set the scene for you, then I don’t know what will)

Right around that time, I began to wonder what I was doing with myself and think about the life that I had to go back to the next day. Chase and I spent the rest of Saturday with his sisters, traipsing around the mall and IKEA. We dropped his sisters off and went back to his apartment. The rest of the night, we stayed up laughing and talking, ordered pizza at midnight, and enjoyed each other’s company.

My alarm went off at 8:30 AM on Sunday morning. I shut it off and lay in bed for several more hours. It wasn’t until one o’clock in the afternoon that I finally pulled myself up, packed my things in my car, said goodbye to Chase, and left.

Since being back in Flag, I have had mixed feelings about everything going on in my life. For four/five days, I was truly happy with where I was and what I was doing. I was in a beautiful place with a great guy in his cute apartment, getting paid to take photos, not stressing, not rushing. Now I am back to being in and out of my house, going to classes that I have grown to no longer enjoy, and am unsatisfied with life. At the same time, I am scared out of my mind to say that. For the last four years, I have been gearing myself towards music education. Music has always been a huge part of my life. The idea of switching directions in my life scares me beyond words. But I no longer find happiness and/or interest in music like I used to. I am happy when I do hair and take pictures. The night I got back to Flag, I had a wild idea to leave NAU, move to Utah, get transferred to a Sally Beauty, and enroll in cosmetology school. The weird thing is, I want to make it happen. I am at a crossroads. Should I stay in Flag and finish what I started or do I go for it? I feel like I am craving to start an entirely new chapter in my life. This could be what turns the page for me.

Crossing my fingers

I have a theory about the universe. It's entirely unfounded on logic, but honestly, it seems like whenever I voice excitement or hope about something, it goes down the drain within a day. I would stay quiet about the things that I don't want to spoil, but I have the hardest time. I'm always anxious to tell the whole world about exciting news. Ughhh. Can't help it. I could write about my night last night, but I'm not going to. It was unexpected. I finally got the guts to share some feelings with a guy I dig. Now, I'm trying not to get my hopes up or anything, so I'm leaving it at that.


On an entirely different note, I am SO STOKED for Coldplay's new album, Mylo Xyloto, that will be released on October 24. I loved their EP, Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall. However, their latest single came from MX and it felt like someone was speaking to my soul. I don't know how musicians do it, but Coldplay has a particularly strong effect on me. So, go here to listen to this gem of a single. It is definitely among my top 10 favorite songs of all time now.

When she was just a girl,
She expected the world,
But it flew away from her reach,
So she ran away in her sleep.

Dreamed of para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Every time she closed her eyes.

Just some thoughts

1. The rain tonight was insane.
2. Watched V For Vendetta tonight with Sterling.
3. Had mac & cheese at midnight.
4. I need to be more assertive.
5. I kind of want to change my major.
6. Going to fall asleep now.

Last night

I went on a date. And it was excellent. I hope this is just the beginning.

Knock on wood.

sweet summertime.

Man, it has been ages since I've done any writing. I don't want to go into crazy details about everything that happened but maybe a summary will work.

June:
Summer school and work. Said goodbye to Jackson and Kason.

July:
Finished up summer school and that same day drove home to make my flight to Florida where my family and I ported out of Tampa for our five-day cruise to the island of Cozumel, Mexico. The cruise ship itself initially was quite astounding and pretty dang awesome. But I can see how it would be much more fun with alcohol involved. My favorite part of the cruise was actually spending the day on the island where we swam with sting rays, rented Jeeps, drove down to a little beach, ate at an authentic local restaurant on the beach where shoes were not necessary and the fish tacos were like heaven.

After the cruise, I stayed an extra few days with my aunt Brooke who leaves in Gainesville. She made my dream come true when she took me to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter the day before the midnight showing of the final HP movie. THAT was my favorite part of my whole summer.
And then the midnight showing of HP & DHP2:

The rest of July consisted of working back in Flag. I also drove home the last weekend in July to say goodbye to the Twins and Jake.

August:
Now, I'm back to work. I have been having a really hard time in the house recently. I hope things work out. I miss Lendal and Josh like nobody's business. Lendal will be back for a night to drop off his school things before he heads to St. Louis for the last week before school. Josh moves in to his apartment just down the street in a week. It will be so wonderful to have them back. School starts in 14 days. Bring it on.

"You asked me once what I would remember -- this and much more."

My boys. My best friends since 8th grade.
My brothers are leaving on their missions over this summer, between June and August. I went home this weekend for our friend Amy's baptism and the last reunion for all of us. Today was the last day I got to see Jackson before he leaves on his mission.

Zach, Ben, Josh, Kason, Jackson, & Dylan

Jackson & I

Kason, Dylan, & Zach

Kas & I

Jackson. I am going to miss him so much.

why I love people.

I was hired at Sally Beauty Supply during the last week of April. Since working there, I have found a love for this new job of mine and a new skill I never knew I had in sales. There are 11 Sally stores in our district and the district keeps tabs on our sales. There are three categories that they keep track of in particular, called KPIs (Key Performance Indicators): Beauty Club Cards (BCC) - a discount card we offer to our customers that saves them up to 10% on each purchase for an initial $5 fee, Items of the Month (IOMs) are discounted little items we try to add on to a sale at the register, and Extended Protection Plans (EPPs) which are extended warranties on electrical items like blow dryers, flat/curling irons, clippers, etc. For the month of June, I was #1 for BCCs and #2 for IOMs and EPPs out of all employees in the district. In all honesty, I wasn't reaching for those goals; I was just doing what I was taught to do in training and throwing in my personality. Apparently it worked in my favor and I am happy to have found something new that I am good at. Just something I wanted to share with you all. Not really what I intended to write about.

What I wanted to write about was a few memorable encounters I had last night at work.

1. I love people with personality.
Customer service is a huge component to my job, so naturally I spend most of my time on the sales floor offering assistance to customers. My first encounter was when I approached a cute, young black girl who had to be about sixteen and asked her if I could help her find anything. She said she was just shopping with her older sister and pointed to her sister who at that exact moment was browsing the hair extensions and exclaimed to herself, "These are $34.99 with my Sally's card?! GURRRLL!!!" I turned, looked at her and said, "That was, by far, the best reaction anyone has ever had in this store," and laughed. She was so freaking excited about the price and quality that she was getting and she just chatted my ear off for a good 15 minutes. I was thoroughly entertained. When she was at the check-out, my co-worker asked her if she was going out for the night or what the occasion was, to which she replied, "Gurl, I ain't nobody special. You know me. I just try to be lookin' fine. You know how it is."

2. I love people that are easy-going.
Again, I was walking the sales floor. I turned to walk down the middle aisle where the blow dryers and flat/curling irons are. When I did, I saw a guy who had to be in his mid-20s, looking overwhelmed at the selection in front of him. He made eye contact with me with a look that said I am so lost. I smiled and said, "Can I help you with something?" and he emphatically replied, "Absolutely." He told me he wanted to get his girlfriend a nice blow dryer. I smiled and commended him for being a good boyfriend and asked what price range he was working with. Under $80. I told him I could hook him up with a great one for $50. I asked him about his girlfriend's hair type and just general questions to get an idea of what would work best for her. Then he said, "Just point at it and I'll buy it." So, I scanned the dryers for a minute and found the perfect one. A $50 Ion dryer that we were having a June special on -- it came with a free mini travel flat-iron. Double win for this guy. I grabbed the dryer off the shelf, found the coupon, and the flat-iron and the guy said, "Whoa, it comes with this for free?" And I said, "Yup. This is dryer has the two basic components that any girl would want: ionic and ceramic technology, and it comes with the free flat iron. Double-whammy. You're girlfriend is going to looove you." He smiled at me and said, "Thank you so much for your help. You're a doll."

3. I love people with beautiful souls.
This last encounter was definitely the most memorable. I thought about it for the rest of my shift.
I was straightening up an aisle when a small, very pregnant Middle Eastern woman approached me with two small sons trailing behind her. She spoke in a thick accent, but her English was understandable.
Let me pause for a moment and let you know that I have an unknown affinity for people of Middle Eastern descent. I think they and their culture are beautiful and fascinating. No idea why.
So, this young mother was looking for hair products. I couldn't see her hair because it was all bundled up into the trendy little hat she was wearing. She took off her hat and had long, thick, curly hair but I could tell she was battling a lot of frizz. I immediately knew what I wanted to give her -- our newest product in the store, a Keratin straightening treatment that reduces frizz 90-100%, curl 50%, and strengthens hair. The results I've seen are legitimately awesome. I explained to her what the product was and what it did. As I was talking to her, her son interjected, "Umm, excuse me? Excuse me? Your name is Alex?" I laughed and realized my Sally tag was at his eye-level, so I figured out he had read my name. I said, "Yeah, is your name Alex, too?" He raised an eyebrow at me and said, "Nooo..." I went back to helping his mom who apologized and told me he was learning how to read and was very excited about everything. I thought both little boys were adorable.
ANYWAYS -- this woman was very interested about the Keratin treatment, so she took the shampoo and conditioner and said she would come back in a week for the treatment itself. She needed help over in the nail aisle with something and was asking me questions about a certain product when her boys got rambunctious for a moment. She called them both over and then in a soft but stern tone told her boys to behave in her native tongue. I have no idea exactly what she said, but I loved listening to her talk. She returned back to me and I asked, "If you don't mind... where are you from originally?" and she told me she was from Saudi Arabia. I told her that I thought that was really neat and that her language was lovely. She smiled and thanked me. I then asked her when her baby was due. She was three weeks away from her due date and explained that's why she was trying to get so much done beforehand. I asked if it was a boy or a girl. It was a girl, and then I asked what her name was to be.
"Sidrah," she said. For some reason, I more than loved the name. It was beautiful in her language and I just smiled and said, "That's beautiful. Congratulations." and helped her finish shopping.
At the check-out, the two little boys were drawing on paper as I rang up the items. I asked her again to repeat what her baby's name was and again, just said I thought it was so lovely. I then asked her if it meant anything in particular. She said, "It is a new name in my country. Do you know what the Qur'an is?" and I nodded. "Sidrah comes from the Qur'an. It means Tree in Heaven." I loved the meaning. At the time, I didn't know the significance of Sidrah in the Qur'an, but I appreciated the spiritual context from which it came. During the whole time I was helping this sweet woman, I felt a spiritual bond with her. It seems a bit silly, seeing as I work in a beauty supply and I was helping her find shampoo and the like, but really. She was a special spirit. We were two entirely different women from totally different walks of life, but I felt a kinship that I know could have come from nowhere else but the commonality that we shared in both being daughters of God.

I have come to see and realize the beauty in humanity since moving to Flagstaff. I love meeting people. I love differences. I don't even mean visible differences, but personalities as well. There is something beautiful about every person on this earth. I know that seems cliche to say, but I have personally found this truth in my life and have a new appreciation for people.

who are you?

My anxiety has been getting the best of me lately. This question keeps coming back to me over and over and over again. I don't know the answer. That slightly frightens me. The thing is, I know what I want. At least I think I do. But I feel far away from the means to achieve what it is that I want.

I never feel like I am good enough. Never good enough in so many ways. Never pretty enough, never small enough, never smart enough, never funny enough, never clever enough. I've found that I drag myself into this downward spiral of self-loathing or self-pity more often in the last six months. I feel like I know what it is that brings me here, but I don't like to admit it to myself.

I haven't gone to church since the end of March. Parts of me misses it, misses the familiarity and the feeling of it all. Another part of me is afraid to return, to admit to myself that I need it in my life. That my imperfect soul can be healed there.

The thing is, it isn't the institution or the people there that do the healing. I have the hardest time with people at church. Not everyone, but just the few people who drive me absolutely crazy in my head with their "everything is perfect and I love church" gimmick. Drives me nuts. I shouldn't be saying these things, but I think it all the time. I know these people mean well, or they try, but I cannot, can not, stand that mentality. At all. I want to see flaws, imperfection, failure even. Because I see myself as so incredibly imperfect and I feel that those imperfections are visible to everyone around me. I don't want to feel alone.

What I do think is good and real about church is its ability to bring me closer to God. I think that God sees church as a way of me saying, "All right. I need you. I'm here. And this is place is supposed to be an outlet for spirituality, so this is me trying." In that respect, I don't think it matters what church you attend, who you feel you are speaking/praying to, or where you are. Church could be somewhere where you are alone in nature. It could be in a chapel surrounded by 200 other people. It could be on your front porch. Doesn't matter, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, obviously there are some aspects of an established religion and those meetings that are helpful in many ways, with lessons and discussions and so on. But the point I'm getting at here is that the desire for a spiritual relationship with God exists. I know I want that in my life but the relationship itself is very faint. It has grown increasingly dim in the last six months. I think I want it back.

I didn't intend for this post to become about my spiritual struggle. At all. I actually was originally wanting to go on a rant about my stupid want for a relationship. But it looks like I need different relationships in my life first. My relationship with God and my relationship with myself. We'll see if this is all still with me when I wake in the morning.

hi, again.

Yes, I'm still alive. I get on Blogger daily just to check in with the blogs I personally follow, so it's not like I have been neglecting the blog world altogether. I guess I just forgot about fulfilling my end and keeping up with my blog. But I'm back.

Why tonight? Well, I think it has something to do with the fact that I feel weighed down with a lot of negative emotion right now. I needed a place to channel all that negativity and so I find myself here. I might go into self-pity mode, so I won't be offended if you stop reading here.

Alright, fair warning.

Today's Memorial Day. It really was a beautiful day today. My morning started out wonderfully with a brunch get-together with my best friend, J, and his girl/my good friend, Karissa, at Wildflower Bread Co. We had a great time, lots of laughs, just catching up and stuff. They came back to my house because J hadn't seen my bedroom since I had put in all the furniture and decor. We hung out for just a tad longer, then the two of them left. It was a brief but sweet little reunion.

After J & Kris left, I got in touch with my friend who had mentioned going to Bookman's on a quest for some new reading material. We found ourselves on a mini scavenger hunt in the stacks of books and came out victorious in the end. He ended up with three books and I with one -- East of Eden by John Steinbeck. The book is pretty long, somewhere around 560 something pages. But I've heard wonderful things about it, so that's on my summer reading list. Anyways, good little rendezvous with Paul at Bookman's.

I started to read my book when I got home. About an hour and twenty-something pages later, I fell asleep. Woke up two hours later and decided to go visit Chels. Here's where things went a bit downward. I hadn't seen Chels in a couple of weeks and figured it was time I spent some time with her. I got there and I could tell she was just out of sorts. I briefly attempted trying to talk to her about a guy that I might be interested in. She basically shot me down and made me feel like I don't have much of a chance. That was a failed conversation. I ended up prying what was wrong out of her and got loaded on about X, Y, & Z and a lot had to do with me. So, I didn't know what to tell her and just said I was sorry. Let's just say I felt pretty awesome about myself after that. Not.

What I would really like to do at this point is forget that whole conversation.
But I can't.
I would also really like to curl up on the couch with a movie and somebody that would run their fingers through my hair. Just keeping me next to them. I just want to feel someone beside me and have them be okay without words, knowing that their presence was enough.
But he isn't in my life.

SNOWBOARDING!

This is my buddy, Lendal. He's one of my best friends up here and I basically consider him my brother from another mother. (; He invited me to go snowboarding this morning up at Snowbowl. I got a snowboard & gear for Christmas and hadn't gone because there wasn't fresh snow since this semester started. We finally got some snow last week, and I only had one class today so I figured it certainly was worth ditching. So I did.
I hadn't been snowboarding in at least four years, probably five. But lemme tell you -- Lendal was a trooper. He was a phenomenal teacher for me and snowboarding felt pretty dang familiar. I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to keep myself up about 90% of the time. I managed to not have any wipe-outs, but I did fall quite a bit on my knees and booty while trying to learn how to turn from heel-side to toe-side edges. But I GOT IT! We were out there from about 10:30 AM - 1:30 PM. I'm suuuuper sore & tired but so happy.
Now I am totally tempted to buy a season pass, with $400 I don't have.

I woke up this morning to a beautiful view from my 3rd floor dorm window. I sent this picture and text to my mom, sister, and dad.

"The view from my window."

And my dad replies:

"View from my truck."

He thinks he's sooo funny. He kind-of is.

weekend update.

I went home to QC this weekend. Came back two days later to find that Flagstaff had been dumped on. Got my car stuck in the parking lot within my first two minutes of arriving back on campus. Where was this mess back in December and January, I ask you? Nowhere to be found. Apparently Mother Nature has a sense of humor and decided to wait until mid-February to pile it on. The plus side? I can finally take my snowboard out this weekend.

So... on to the more eventful notes of my weekend.

FRIDAY
My babysis was supposed to come up to Flagstaff this weekend. Friday rolled around and sister dearest had strep. I was kind of counting on her to come up because just about all of my other friends up here were either going out of town for the holiday, had company coming up here, or were otherwise preoccupied. After my parents verifying that No, Madie cannot come visit, I decided to take off for the valley. Got in my car and took off.

Upon getting to the valley, I decided I would track down my other bestie, Cassie. I hadn't seen or heard from Cass in a while. Part of this is understandable; she is engaged to be married at the end of March. [Disclaimer: I love Cass to death, so anything I mention from this point is said entirely with love.] Since the wedding has come closer, Cass has been the worst person to get in contact with. Won't return phone calls or texts, make herself available, nada. As bestfriend, as well as the one between the two of us with our act together, I have to get things done -- namely the bridal shower/bachelorette party. Pretty hard to do when you can't get ahold of the bride... ANYWAYS -- I tracked down Cassie and found out she was at work (Coldstone :] ). I surprised her and said hi. Turns out she was happy to see me and wanted to hang with me the next day. :D Plans with Cassie?! No way! Hallelujah! So, we made plans to hang out on Saturday.

SATURDAY
Cassie and I got moving at noon. It was so much fun to be with her again, felt like the good old days in high-school and during the summers, riding in her Toyota P.O.S. listening to gangsta rap. We had a short list of wedding errands to run and get finished before Cass had to be to work at 5. First off was Michael's for some returns & reception decor browsing. We found the cutest white mini-lanters that held tea-lights. Just what were looking for. PERFECT! Got in the car and Cass said we had to go out to wayyy far Mesa for wedding invite envelopes. On the way, we drove past the apartment complex where she and Cam finally found a place to live. We arrived at the paper place to find that they are closed on Saturdays. No big. Off to Hobby Lobby! Let's just say, we had a blast browsing H.L...
After our rendezvous at Hobby Lobby, we enjoyed a delicious lunch at Costa Vida and talked about all sorts of fun stuff... Like her wedding night & honeymoon. Hahahahah. I love bestfriendzz.

Saturday night, I went to see Unknown with my friend from NAU University ward, Jeph, & his buddy from the valley, Tyson. Jeph & I have been hanging out quite a bit very recently, though I've known him since the beginning of the school year. He's pretty rad, so I was happy for the invite. The movie was good, but the company was better. We ended up going to the movie theatre that is next door to the ColdStone that Cassie works at & I knew she was working. So, the three of us went and bombarded her at work, chatted it up, & harassed her for not giving us free ice cream. (: Good times.

SUNDAY
Not very eventful. I slept in, woke up, bleached my hair, packed my stuff, & took off for Flag. And here I am. I know I didn't mention much at all of family time, but trust me. I had plenty of it. My siblings and I watched LOST Friday night & Sunday morning, had mother/daughter bonding-time in mommy's bed early Saturday and Sunday morning, cleaned the house for Dad... Family time was good, just not anything particularly noteworthy. Let me get to the point -- it was a lovely weekend. Now I'm up to my knees in snow. Welcome to wintertime in Flagstaff.

Aqueous Transmission

This is me, all nestled into my super cozy (yes, seriously) dorm bed. My Best gave me some amazing advice the other day. She told me that putting my microfleece blanket between my sheets and comforter would be magical. Oh my word, magical doesn't even begin to cover it. I feel spoiled in my little twin-sized bed. It's amazing what the right amount of pillows and blankets can do. Oh, and a body pillow -- I call mine Boyfriend. Because he is. We snuggle a lot.

On another note, I feel great. This is a big deal for me because the last month has been a rough one on me. It was all my perception of what was going on around me, but as much as I tried not to think about things or tell myself I was being ridiculous, I could not get myself out of this dark place. One of my biggest problems was that I was keeping some pressing thoughts and feelings from my other best friend. I finally talked to him today. Basically spilled my guts like... Here you go. That's what has been making me crazy for a while now. The conversation went ridiculously well. I only wish that maybe we had the conversation sooner because it might have saved me a few days of insanity. Regardless, all that crap that was weighing down on me every time I saw him is now gone. G o n e. It's a huge relief to put everything out into the open. Forgive me for being cliche', but communication is so important for a healthy relationship or friendship. I was scared out of my wits to talk about everything, but it was worth it. I feel so good.

Not Like The Movies - Katy Perry

I felt like posting these lyrics because they sum up my feelings as of late. You should really listen to the song if you haven't heard it before -- it's quite beautiful. //

He put it on me, I put it on,
Like there was nothing wrong.
It didn't fit,
It wasn't right.
Wasn't just the size.
They say you know,
When you know.
I don't know.

I didn't feel
The fairytale feeling, no.
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could.

If it's not like the movies,

That's how it should be, yeah.
When he's the one,
I'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning
And that's just the beginning, yeah.

Snow White said when I was young,
"One day my prince will come."
So I wait for that date.
They say it's hard to meet your match,
Find my better half.
So we make perfect shapes.

If stars don't align,
If it doesn't stop time,
If you cant see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
Worth every penny you spent.
He'll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences.

If it's not like the movies,
That's how it should be.
When he's the one,
He'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning,
And that's just the beginning.

'Cause I know you're out there,
And your, your love came for me.
It's a crazy idea that you were made,
Perfectly for me you'll see.

Just like the movies.
That's how it will be.
Cinematic and dramatic
With the perfect ending.
It's not like the movies,
But that's how it will be.
When he's the one,
You'll come undone,
And your world will stop spinning,
And it's just the beginning.

last-second checklist.

• Do laundry
• Re-pack my stuff.
• Retake the math placement exam.
• Study for music theory placement exam.
• Buy new notebooks for classes
• Get paid for work.
• Leave without strings attached to "boy" (yeah...that's how I'll say it).
• ^ figure out how to do that.

A Different Tune

So, after I wrote my last post, a lot changed. I basically had a wake-up call, a huge reality check.

This thing that I'm going through, I knew from the beginning that it would be extremely unlikely for me to be able to handle it on my own. So, I went to my Yoda: aunt Brooke. She just gets me. I don't know how long we talked for, but I spilled my guts about everything that has been going on for a while. I was as honest with her as I could be with myself. Half the time, I was just talking so I could talk myself through it. Have you ever had that weird feeling that comes from vocalizing the scary and vulnerable thoughts in your head? Where you just feel like you just threw all of your insides on to a table for anyone who walks by to just check out? Okay, that sounds weird, too. But I think you understand.
Anyways, Brooke was the first person that I really talked to about everything. The end result of it was that I just knew I had some self-reflecting to do. I needed to think about what direction I wanted to take my life in because this place was a crossroads. I had to decide which way to go.
The next morning, I was woken up to another phone call from Brooke. "Alie, you know I haven't stopped thinking about you since yesterday. I was being a coward." And she proceeded to tell me that I needed to change because (and I'm paraphrasing), I didn't have time to waste messing around and trying out a different lifestyle. Unless that was what I wanted. But she knew, and more importantly I knew that the "alternative" was not something I wanted in the long run. I got off the phone with her, went in my closet, got to my knees, and prayed. And cried.
Long story short, I know I'm singing a different tune than I was last post, even than I have been from the last several months. Truth is, I have always cared and always will care about my spirituality and my relationship with God. I'm not saying that I have flipped a 180 or anything, but I am desiring to make a change because the Alex that I am right now is not an Alex that I am at peace with. I can be so much better than this. I am going to be better because I feel better is right for me.

"I have a time machine, but it only goes forward at regular speed. It's basically a cardboard box that I wrote 'Time Machine' on in Sharpie."

I don't know how to feel right now. I'm stuck in limbo. I don't know what I want or what to do with myself. Or my life. I'm not the person I was before. Even a week ago I was in a different place with myself. Three hours ago, I was a different person. From this point, I have to choose which direction I want to go next. And I have no idea which direction I want to go. I know where I should go. It is a difficult, very difficult path, that promises happiness at the end. I know somewhere in my heart that I want that happiness that comes only by following that path. But right now, I don't sincerely desire it. That both saddens and scares me. Either way I go, I am afraid.